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After condemning celebrations by American snowboarders and Canadian hockey players, the International Olympic Committee is taking a hard look at excessive celebrating by medal winners. Saying such excessive celebrations lack the decorum and propriety which should accompany the fruition of four years of grueling training and countless competitions, the group is working on a list of acceptable celebrations for future winners.

Test: Is this an acceptable celebration?

The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.

From: IOC

To: Olympic Athletes

Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes

As of today, Olympic athletes may not:

1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler. Read the rest of this entry →

On Thursday, Bill Clinton was reportedly rushed to a New York hospital due to chest pains. Hospital spokespeople say the 42^nd President of the United States is recovering well and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has arrived and is by his side. The Fake News has obtained an exclusive, off-the-record interview that indicates a different series of events than what major media outlets are reporting.

President Clinton will be able to resume his normal level of hitting on chicks in under a week

According to our source, the former President was having a leisurely breakfast when he suddenly dropped the newspaper, grabbed his chest, and said, “Oh my God.” When aides asked him what was wrong, he said, “I need to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital right away.” Our source stayed behind to search for evidence of possible poisoning and glanced at the newspaper Clinton had dropped.

“I didn’t think of it until later,” our source said. “But, at the top of the paper was a large headline that read ‘New York Presbyterian Candy Striper Program Rated Best in Country.’ I remembered Mr. Clinton’s reading disability that causes him to involuntarily add an extra ‘p’ to words, and figured out what happened.”

While “letteraderitis” is a rare learning disability, it seems to effect U.S. Presidents at an alarming rate. George W. Bush is perhaps best known for adding the letters “W,” “M,” and “D” to Iraq.

This isn’t the first time that Clinton’s reading problem has caused some confusion. “While he was President,” our source says, “he kept sending out memos about wanting to attend the Supper Bowl. We thought he was just poking fun at Ronald Reagan’s declining mental state during his second term.” Read the rest of this entry →

Passersby wondered why there was a thirty car backup at the Byram, NJ McDonalds yesterday. Some speculated that perhaps the fast food chain had run out of sesame seed buns. The truth was much more mundane, but no less annoying.

Take forever!

Justin Digger is a graduate student at a nearby private college, and was so used to filling his speech with empty multisyllabic words and vague pontifications that he is no longer able to adapt his speech patterns when faced with mundane tasks.

According to an eyewitness, this was some of Digger’s order:

Digger: “Oh my goodness, this Big Mac culinary delicacy is an accidentally erotic gustatory sensation that explodes with an arsenal of tiny sesame bullets, sending a direct tactical strike to my neurological pleasure epicenter! Your fantastic gastronomic selection fills the belly of my soul!”

Employee: “So do you want the Big Mac or not?”

Digger: “Wow, I cannot cogitate that my personal economic situation is capable of producing such stupendous flavor options, like this exquisite restaurant flooding its torpedo tubes of delicacy to facilitate an annihilation of my pleasure center.”

Employee: “I’m not an English major, but I’m pretty sure George Orwell is clawing his way out of his grave to cock-punch you.”

Hi everyone!

You’ve probably noticed that I’ve been updating far less frequently. The real world has interfered with my fun and I’m busy most of the time doing other things. I will attempt to post a new story weekly, although that might get pushed back to by-weekly for a while. While there is a dearth of new stories, please take a look at the archive, there are a lot of great stories there.

Newly-elected Senator Scott Brown has become famous for coming out of nowhere to win the Massachussetts Senate seat held for decades by the late Ted Kennedy. In addition to winning a seat long held by his opponent’s party, Brown became the poster child for the Republican plan for the 2010 elections. While many feel that his victory is priceless, General Motors decided that the Brown name did have a dollar value and announced him as the first in what they hope will be a stable of professional lawmakers to publicly represent the GM brand.

See, GM is helping already!

GM spokesman Robert Jackson said, “We are very excited to welcome such a hot, new name into the General Motors family. As Tiger Woods showed the industry, you can’t be too careful whom you choose as spokespeople. The General Motors brand is a lion of America, just like the state of Massachusetts.”

When asked if they were concerned about “skeletons in the closet,” Jackson answered, “No, not at all. We hired the same vetting team John McCain used to investigate Sarah Palin. They assured us everything is fine.”

The deal was made possible because of the recent 5-4 Supreme Court ruling that ruled that corporations can spend as much as they want on political advertisements. While they cannot contribute directly to individual campaigns, they can do things like run advertisements either for the candidate they support or against the candidate they oppose.

While concrete terms of the deal have not been released, it appears that Brown will wear a small, tasteful, GM lapel pin, although the company source stressed that the pin would not be worn above the flag pin. Read the rest of this entry →

Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn’t smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare’s customer service line to find out why her application was declined.

You guys are SO dead.

“They said something about a Jack Bauer or something,” says Jackson. “I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don’t know any Jack Bauer…oh wait…I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, ‘This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!’ I think he said something about running out of time. That’s the only time I’ve ever been close to the man, so I don’t know what’s going on here.”

Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a “pre-existing condition.” Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent. Read the rest of this entry →

Editor’s Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.

When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska’s top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network’s stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.

But she's so pretty!

However, Palin’s decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.

Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers’ pieces on her Facebook page.

Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy.

With public opinion strongly against government handouts for corporations, GMAC CEO Michael Carpenter finds himself in the precarious position of rebuilding a company while remaining conscious of the public’s view of his actions. When word leaked that some of the companies that were taking bailout money from the government were distributing lavish bonuses, confidence plummeted while stock in pitchforks soared. Therefore, when a GMAC senior executive asked for a pony for his daughter, Carpenter was placed in a tough position.

See, look how much smaller that is than a pony

“We just received 3.79 Billion dollars from the government, or as it’s being described, from the taxpayers, even though the checks say United States Treasury, Carpenter said.”That is different, that is something we needed.  A pony is going to be looked at as an extravagance. We can’t afford the public backlash if this story gets out.”

Part of the problem with the pony requisition is that, unlike the billions of dollars from the government, you can’t pay back a pony. “Even though it’s only $1000, everyone can imagine a pony. People can’t really imagine 3 Billion dollars, so it’s much easier to make it sound like no big deal.” Read the rest of this entry →

As fears over airport security are exacerbated by recent attempted attacks, security officials attempt to make the public feel that a trip to the airport is a reasonably safe venture. Because of this, the news of yet another security breach will surely raise cause Transportation Security Administration officials to increase their antacid intake.

She ain't packing bombs, but she's packing something dangerous, you know what I mean?

Yesterday, word began to leak of a security breach in which an unknown man concealed a working airport screening system in a false bottom of one of his suitcases. While such an incident seems difficult to believe because of the system’s immense bulk, TSA officials have been quick to point out that A.) it was a very large suitcase and B.) screeners have never seen an effective and efficient security system.

“I found the extra compartment in his suitcase, but I ain’t never seen one of them things before,” said TSA worker Jim Lacee. “He said it was some kind of particle accelerator called the Large Apron Colander or something like that. He did look like he could be a scientist, so I let him go through. Plus, it was almost break time.” Read the rest of this entry →

Editor’s Note: I decided to break up the list into one item per day so I could provide more content for each item. Now that the list is complete, here is the complete list on one page for your reading pleasure.

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won’t tell you. If you do these things, you’re likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people. Read the rest of this entry →