jimmywellington.com

So, I’ve had a few days off to mess around the apartment. While doing so, I discovered the greatest new site on the internet: http://www.americaspeakingout.com. The Republicans, apparently knowing nothing about the internet, thought it would be a great idea to pretend to listen to the people. Everyone else knew it was a great opportunity to have some fun. So, I created an account and went to work. It was difficult because of the horrible design of the site; it literally takes at least a minute for each page to load, sometimes longer. However, one of my posts ended up making it into the Washington Post story on the trouble with the website. Here’s the relevant section:

But Republicans might want to take a hard look at the suggestion that “we need to reframe the discussion” about the BP oil spill to counteract the “environmental whackos” worried about wildlife. Republicans, this person proposed, should argue that “BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good.”

In case you’re curious, here is my full post:

We need to reframe debates so that we look better. So many people are making a big deal out the oil spill, and these environmental whackos are all aflutter about the birds and fish. We need to reframe the discussion. Two solutions: The oil spill is producing clean energy. The libs are always screaming about how dirty our energy is. BP is trying out a new technique – washing the oil before refining it. How can washing something be bad? Second solution: BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good. (more…)

Hi everyone!

You’ve probably noticed that I’ve been updating far less frequently. The real world has interfered with my fun and I’m busy most of the time doing other things. I will attempt to post a new story weekly, although that might get pushed back to by-weekly for a while. While there is a dearth of new stories, please take a look at the archive, there are a lot of great stories there.

In the early days of The Fake News, the site was updated like a newspaper (remember those?) with multiple longer stories and a few shorter ones.  Some of them were not that great.  Here are the best.

Inner City Youth Shot For His “WWJD?” Bracelet – A 15 year old Bridgeport youth was shot and killed yesterday in an attack that was surprisingly not gang related. The 25 youths interviewed by police as witnesses say that they were just “sitting on their porch, drinking 40s, minding their own business”, when a car drove by and a boy jumped out, firing 2 shots into the 15 year old, whose name is not being released to the public because of his age.

Apparently, the only item taken from the youth was his bracelet, embroidered with the letters “WWJD?”, which stand for “What Would Jesus Do?”. Other valuables, such as the boy’s Michael Jordan sneakers, or his wallet containing $50, were not touched. The youth received the bracelet at a student outreach program sponsored by the local church. The boy’s parents hope that the attacker will read the bracelet, think about what Jesus would do, and turn himself into authorities.

Anal Retentive Man Washes Hair Perpetually – Jim Hedgson, a local guidance counselor has been washing his hair for 3 years consecutively, and has no plans to stop any time soon. “I have this condition where I have to follow any directions that I read. The other day I noticed for the first time that my shampoo had instructions written on the back. They said: ‘Wet Hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.’ The directions are pretty obvious,” he told us through his shower curtain yesterday. When we informed him that the repetition of the first three steps are optional, he didn’t believe us. “That’s how people get hurt. Directions are necessary to maintain order.” The school administration has not yet noticed Hedgson’s absence. (more…)

Sweet!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of the television show Lost.  For example, I spent a large part of my trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art trying to find the four-toed statue.  When I heard that the people behind the show were going to sell prints from an artist based on the Lost mythology as part of a plan to promote Season Six, I was really interested.  When the first print when up for sale, I ordered one.  I’m not sure if they are still available, but take a look here: http://actuallyitsketchup.com/dcpb/I/

It came yesterday, so I was really excited.  I was also intrigued because Fed Ex had left a package delivery attempt note on our door that said we had another package.  Neither my wife nor I had ordered anything else lately so we were both at a loss for what it could be.  I thought to myself, “Self, there’s no way it could be something else from Lost, right?

Wrong.

It turns out that I was the first person to place an order for the first print.  The artist sent me a print(24/30) of the original Damon, Carlton, and a Polar Bear painting!  To see what that’s all about, start here: http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Damon,_Carlton,_and_a_Polar_Bear

Keep your eyes out for the next print.  Who knows, maybe they’ll be doing this for future prints!

Jimmy

Welcome to everyone who knew me from my work at The Fake News, as well as anyone who just happened upon this site.  My old site focused only on news satire, which I enjoyed and still enjoy.  However, it was a lot of work to keep up a feasible posting schedule.  Also, I wanted to post other content in addition to news satire.  Anyway, keep checking back and thanks for stopping by!

UPDATE:

I think I am going to move the majority of stories from The Fake News here in the next little while.

Click here to read the original article

Look. I don’t know who Emily or Brian or Brad are and I’m sure this thing is just for laughs, but the person you put there as “Emily” is me and I don’t appreciate you using me for your sick humor. Leave me the fuck alone, ok? Get a life and if you want to make people laugh, don’t use other people you don’t even know. I’m sure you don’t realize it, but stuff like that may hurt other people. I’m also sure you don’t care, but if no one has said anything, I figured someone should. Fuck you.

Kori

Our response:

My, My, that’s some foul language for a lady. Maybe you should not focus on the internet, but rather a finishing school. I can recommend some, my older sister used to curse profusely and have sex with dogs, but after going to Madame Lenoir’s Finishing School for Slutty Chicks, she is the epitome of a lady. (more…)