jimmywellington.com

Editor’s Note: I decided to break up the list into one item per day so I could provide more content for each item. Now that the list is complete, here is the complete list on one page for your reading pleasure.

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won’t tell you. If you do these things, you’re likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people. (more…)

Honorable Mentions: Here are a few of the things that nearly made the list.

Twi-hards – Aside from being responsible for the explosion in vampire movies, television shows, children’s toys, and breakfast cereals, Twilight has spawned a legion of obsessed women. Being a Lost fan, I know what it’s like to be obsessed over something that other people find foolish. However, there is a bit of a disturbing issue with Twilight that I did not see reported in any major media outlet that covered the phenomenon. Taylor Lautner is seventeen years old. Grown men counting down the days until an attractive female celebrity turns eighteen? Pedophiles. Forty-year-old women screaming when Taylor Lautner takes his shirt of in the movie? Completely acceptable. (more…)

1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.

Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. “Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?” Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson’s nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won’t someone think of the children? (more…)

2. Jon and Kate – As I mentioned in #4, I hate reality television. Nobody cares about the people involved in the shows; the only concern is ratings. It is not often that child abuse is shown on national television, but TLC decided to bravely forge ahead with a new era of exploitation. For starters, there is a reason that humans very rarely have a large number of children at one time. Before having a large number of children at one time meant getting your own reality show, there was no way to financially support such a suddenly large family unless you were very wealthy. It is irresponsible and completely unfair to the children to choose to have such a large number of children at one time.

According to all sources I could find, the couple used an artificial fertility method because of a fertility problem with one of them. They didn’t plan on having six children, but when they found out that’s what was going to happen, the reportedly said, “no way!” to reduction. This is hypocrisy at its finest. Going against God, nature, or whatever you want to call it to become pregnant: Completely acceptable. Limiting the number of children: Completely unacceptable. You don’t get to have it both ways; you’re playing God. (more…)

3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence. (more…)

4. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant – Anyone who knows me knows that I hate reality television. The original concept was intriguing, but it quickly became apparent that “reality” television was just improv using untrained actors who moonlight as horrible human beings. Most shows have devolved into a game of constant one-upmanship: How many douchebags can we fit in a house, and how much prodding do they need to act like assholes? I’m not interested in that, as I can just go down to a club at the Jersey Shore if I want to see that.  Oh wait…

In addition to the tried-and-true method of confined douchebag assembly, a newer variation of reality shows have emerged, focused on extreme situations. In the same way that paterntiy suit participants on the Maury Povich Show have increased the reliability of their claims (I think the current standard is “I am 10,000% sure that ain’t my baby!”), these shows have become more and more ridiculous. This year’s “Ow! My Balls!” award for most ridiculous reality show goes to our number four entry: “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” (more…)

5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in the beginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.

Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let’s take a look at the abbreviated timeline:

Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: “Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?”

Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: “Go get those WMDs!” later amended to “Saddam is a bad man” later amended to “You’ll take our democracy if you know what’s good for you!”

Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.

Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: “Oh, hell no!” (more…)

6. Glenn Beck – I’m becoming increasingly convinced that Glenn Beck is Stephen Colbert without the winking nod, an Andy Kaufman for our time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to pretend that he believes what he says, and is either out to make money off of dupes or is the greatest IRL troll of our generation.

For the time being, I’m going to go along with the notion that he’s serious. His inclusion on the list represents not only him, but other talk radio and Fox News personalities, like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter – The Axis of Idiocy.

A problem arises because it’s difficult to put these people into the same category. For example, I think Sean Hannity truly believes what he says. He has had brain surgery to turn off the part of his brain that stops your mouth from moving when you know you’re saying something that makes no sense. Ann Coulter, however, says whatever she feels will cause the most controversy and make her the most money. The level of idiocy is comparable, but the intent is different. But, even with all this competition, Glenn Beck has emerged as the group’s Cryer-in-Chief. (more…)

7. Balloon Boy – This story had everything I hate about our society. Parents who give their children ridiculous names (Did you name your kid after a Midwest state? You might as well install a pole in her bedroom so she can get some practice for her future career), the twenty-four hour news cycle that values exclusive “information” over verified facts, and reality television, which will appear in future installments of this list.

Of course, it’s not every day that you get to watch a bag of Jiffy Pop soar majestically through the air like some kind of large bird like an eagle or something. It’s right on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, Falcon. That was my first clue that the kid wasn’t really in the balloon. Well, that and the use of my eyes to visually acquire information about the size and shape of the balloon, which then sent the information to my brain to process and send a signal to my mouth to say “WTFuck?! You’re seriously trying to tell me there’s a kid riding in that? Where? Does he have Saddam’s WMDs with him? Is he riding on an invisible unicorn under the balloon?” (more…)

8. Jennifer Aniston – This one is tough. I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I liked her in Friends. She seems like a likeable person. Yet, there’s a problem. She’s on at least one magazine cover every time I go to the supermarket. But, it’s not just that. It’s always a variation of “Jen: True Love, Finally!” and “Jen: Heartbroken After xxxxxx Dumps Her!” This repeats anew every so often, typically when she has a movie coming out. This leads me to believe that I have successfully mapped the Jennifer Aniston dating cycle.

1. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.

2. They go out on one date. The guy has a very nice time and plans to see her again.

3. Her publicist calls every magazine and tells them all about the date, providing exclusive information to each magazine. (more…)