jimmywellington.com

It can be the most frightnening four words a man can ever hear: “I’m on my period.”  This natural occurrence can unfortunately causes billions of women to behave for a few days in a manner which they would not normally behave.  Many companies have tried to take advantage of this recurring occasion to make a buck or two, and Apple is the latest to throw their hat in the ring.

The Apple iPad provides all the protection of a regular Maxi pad, with a few added features to bring the product into the digital age.  The starter kit includes a very small Bluetooth device, which attaches to the iPad, that sends a signal to other iPad wearers.  In studies conducted by the company, women who are both wearing iPads are very likely to have their menstrual cycles occur at the same time through a proprietary process Apple calls “cyc sync.”

The company promises future features such as the ability to upload stats to Facebook and automatically friend your “cyc sync” contacts.

According to Apple spokeswoman Lisa March, “studies have shown that women who share their common struggle form a bond that helps each to improve their own condition.  Women can share tips on medicine and other treatment options that make the time more bearable.”

When asked why a woman couldn’t just randomly “friend” women on Facebook and achieve the same effect, March said she was late for a lunch appointment.

The iPad Heavy model comes equipped with a headphone jack and 4 GB of memory.  Apple says the headphone configuration “is guaranteed to be a sure-fire conversation starter.”

For women who are not a fan of Maxi Pads, Apple plans to introduce the sister model, the iPlug, early next year.

James Johnson, a nineteen year old student at the University of Arizona, was just like any college student, scrambling to find the money to pay for books, babes, and beer. He felt that taking a job doing tech support for America Online would help. Little did he know that the job would bring out the masochist hidden inside him.

In only his first day on the job, he encountered prime examples of some of the clueless denizens of the internet, AOL customers. However, since he takes pleasure from the pain of repeating himself over and over and over, along with his flair for sarcasm, he decided this might just be the job for him.

What follows are some transcripts of Johnson’s calls:

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Johnson – Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer – Hi, my screen name is ChadNobleRoxors23, and I have a problem.

Johnson – Well, Mister Noble, is that your name?

ChadNobleRoxors23 – Well, I’d prefer if you call me Bob.

Johnson – Sure…um…Bob. What’s the problem?

ChadNobleRoxors23 – My screen seems to have been burned in

Johnson – By burned in, you mean that an image is always on your monitor, no matter what page you go to?

ChadNobleRoxors23 – Yes.

Johnson – Well sir, I’d suggest that you call the monitor company, we do not provide support for monitors, only connection to the internet and software in large quantities. Off the record though, [whispers] I think you need to buy a new monitor.

ChadNobleRoxors23 – I can’t afford one, and if my mom sees this, I’m dead.

Johnson – What’s the picture of?

ChadNobleRoxors23 – Well it’s a picture of a guy and a…umm…goat.

Johnson – Thank you for calling AOL and have a nice day….goat fucker!

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Johnson – Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer – I have an emergency! My child has swallowed an AOL CD!

Johnson – What the…how…is that even possible? How big is your child’s mouth? [barely audible] Dude, Fred, listen to this one!

Customer – What do I do!?

Johnson – Ok, go to your library and pick up a book by Charles Darwin called Origin of Species, and read section 4, entitled Survival of the Fittest.

Customer – Does that tell me how to get the CD out?

Johnson – It sure does. Thank you for calling AOL, and have a great day!

The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.

The “Drunk-Phone” comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly. If a high enough blood-alcohol level is measured, the phone is rendered useless.

A marketing survey shows that the vast majority of cell phone customers think that the new feature is a great idea for other people’s phones, however they feel that it is unnecessary for themselves.

Jason Plimpton, a college student from San Diego State University, says it’s a great idea. “That would certainly cut down on the number of drunk calls I get from my friends. I don’t think that it should be mandatory though, I mean, It’s not like I drunk call people.”

“Jason, are you fucking kidding me?”, responded his girlfriend, Kerry Stiles. You don’t remember calling me at 2:30 in the morning last night saying that you killed a spider? And what about the time you called [Jason's ex-girlfriend of three years prior] Cynthia, and told her you loved her and wanted to come over and bang her? You were so drunk that you didn’t realize I was standing right next to you!”

The “drunk call” feature will not be activated until midnight on weeknights, although it will be activated all weekend, since the vast majority of college students seem to view the time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning as “drunk time”.

When Emily joined “Bangme.net”, an internet picture rating site that was referred to her by her friend Kathleen, she was still under the assumption (instilled since birth on her psyche by her mother) that she was the best looking girl in the world. When she logged on to the site a few days later to check her rating, all her illusions were shattered, to the point where she wanted to slash her wrists with the jagged pieces of her broken heart.

Bangme.net is a site, similar to several other online projects, where people can post their picture and rate images that others have posted. A large amount of people visit the site to feel better about themselves, because, lets face it – some people are pretty fucking ugly.

Having never had sex, Emily says that she has plans to one day, and that bangme.net “seemed to be a very good way to meet wholesome people” who would see her for her inner beauty, which is enormous (interestingly enough, so is her frame).

Emily decided that her life could not be considered complete until she had achieved a rating of at least 50%, which in her mind would make her “bangable”.

At this point of the story is where Adobe Photoshop entered into the visual equation. Emily asked friend Brian K. White, a graphic designer who runs the internet website Glossy News, to touch up her picture to make her more attractive.

White talks about the process: “At first I thought she was kidding. When I realized that she was serious, I told her that there was only so much I can do, I mean you can’t turn a Yugo into a Ferrari. When she burst into tears and grabbed the butcher knife in the kitchen, I told her I was only…um…kidding. Yep, what a big kidder I am! Ha ha! Say, can you put down the knife, sweetie?”

White realized that this wasn’t just a minor touch-up, this transformation would be akin to making Keith Richards look alive. He broke out his copy of Photoshop and opened the picture that Emily provided. After 7 and a half hours, he hadn’t gotten anywhere, and he was about to suggest a blind dating service, when he stumbled onto the solution. “I realized that if I fucked up the picture to the point where you couldn’t even tell if the subject was human, there was a remote chance that somebody might want to have sex with her.

Using the message board aspect of the site, Emily found her current fiance Brad, who also used Photoshop to enhance his picture to “look sexy for all the hot ladies out there”. When Emily met Brad, she discovered that he was just as ugly as she was, although one minute and thirty seconds later, she was no longer a virgin. Brian White is happy for his friend, and with the role that his computer skills played in helping her find true love.

“It’s great that she found love, I’m so happy for her. But I’ve already told her that she better use birth control, I mean they’re great people, but their bringing a child into the world would most likely bring upon the apocalypse.”

In an effort to boost lagging sales, the nicotine replacement product Nicorette Gum announced that the gum will now feature flavor crystals. The idea was originally debuted to rave reviews in the popular chewing gum Icebreakers.

The announcement is being seen as a “fucking great idea” by millions of Americans that are trying to quit smoking. Local quitter Sandra Billus tells us: “Wow, that’s so cool! Now I can not only get that nicotine rush that I crave, but I can probably simulate that feeling of waking up in the morning feeling like a dog shit in my mouth!”

Keith Chadwick, a gas station attendant, has been trying to quit unsuccessfully since the Carter administration. Having tried the patch and the pill, he says that maybe this will provide the extra boost that he needs to quit for good. “I quit for a couple days with the pill, but I couldn’t avoid the temptation for very long. Then I tried the patch, and it was kinda effective, but when you smoke three packs a day, you need a lot of stuff to supplant that craving. It got so bad that I was licking the patches when I changed them, just to get that last little drop of sweet cancerous goodness. I think Nicorette has realized that some of us hard core smokers just need a shit ton of nicotine to get us through the tough first few days without committing mass murder.”

High school students are purchasing the gum, in an attempt to rebel without being too obvious about it. High school junior Jesse Kinner explains, “Billy’s dad saw him smoking and grounded him for 2 weeks or some lame shit. I still want the girls to see me as dangerous, but fuck getting grounded.”

In a telephone survey, it was determined that nearly 95% of people that currently smoke are “trying to quit” or “want to quit eventually”. The other 5% (all under the age of 17) think “it’s the coolest thing ever” and “all the kids are doing it”.

The announcement Monday that Private Media, Inc. – a pornography company – has offered to purchase the Napster name and web site address for a reported 3 million dollars has had a whirlwind effect on the worlds pornography consumers.

The company apparently plans to use the notoriety of the Napster brand name, as well as a web address that practically every internet user from teenagers to thirty-somethings have hard wired into their internet browsers. According to experts, the Napster name is as recognizable as “Yahoo”, “Google”, and “Horny College Barely Legal Freshman Get Nekkid”.

Napster was extremely popular for providing a central location where internet users could exchange music files with each other. The only drawback was that the users didn’t actually pay for the material, which the music industry argued violated copyright laws and robbed their artists of royalties, which forced several artists such as Metallica to forego lining their tour busses with solid gold. The heavy metal band was instead forced to go with cheaper silver lining, which though still ostentatious, didn’t really achieve the whole “we have way more money than you” motif the band was going for.

In an amazing display of irony, Sean “Puff Daddy Diddy Do” Combs spoke out against Napster stealing royalties. Mr. Combs has been know in the past to “sample” (steal) older songs, only to ruin them by rapping over the music. Several years ago, a group of rabid Led Zeppelin fans attempted to kill Combs, allegedly for forever tainting the song “Kashmir”.

Online porn connoisseurs are extremely excited about this possible new breakthrough in pornography sharing. One college student agreed to speak with us, on the condition that we not mention his name or university: “Well first of all, my name is Jared Ocampo from the University of Tennesee, could you please not write that, my parents might read this. Anyway, this will revolutionize the porn finding process in a degree that people can’t even fathom now. With it being so much easier to share high quality adult pictures and celebrity fakes, I’ll have so much more time on my hands. I guess I’ll probably masturbate more, maybe increasing my average to 15 times a day.”

Private Media Inc. will take no responsibility for young teenage girls attempting to find the latest Britney Spears song on www.napster.com, only to be visually assaulted by lewd acts. The company explains, saying “Britney Spears, Porn, What’s the difference?” In an unrelated add-on, Private Media Inc. expects to add Ms. Spears to their list of “actresses” in “oh…about 3 months.”

Julia Walters, a 19 year old intern at Johnson & Kelter Law Firm was brutally beaten to death by co-workers yesterday, after she deleted the internet while trying to print a document. Police were aghast at the horrific scene that they encountered upon their arrival, with one officer calling it “the most ghastly crime scene I’ve ever witnessed.” When company employees quickly told the officers what Miss Walters had done, the atmosphere quickly changed, as the men in blue “looked away” so her outraged co-workers could get a few last good kicks in.

“She erased the fucking internet! Now what the hell am I going to do at work?” J&K employee Jonathan Frampton shouted hysterically. “The only reason I can make it through the workday without going psycho is the ability to check out anime porn and the latest news on the new Pokemon Movie! Now I actually have to work? Fuck that!” Frampton then unleashed a blood-curdling roar and leapt out his 30th floor window.

Police have announced that they will not bring any charges against the 25 or so men and women that participated in the homicide and subsequent mutilation. “Where are we going to find 12 jurors that will convict these people? They’re heroes if you ask me”, stated a spokesperson for the Detroit district attorney’s office.

Julia’s parents were not surprised to hear of the tragic demise of their daughter. Mother Jill explains: “Julia’s always been kind of awkward, the kind of girl that would mess things up all the time, never on purpose mind you, but she was always fucking something up.” Jill then recalled the time that Julia found her mother’s diaphragm and poked a tiny hole in it, directly leading to the existence of her 15 year old brother Kyle.

Kyle agreed to speak with us, sharing this about his older sister: “So THAT’S why they always called me ‘oops’… Interesting… Oh yeah, Julia. One time she ‘accidentally’ erased the Playboy channel from our TV, boy was I pissed about that.”

Other companies in the area are conducting fundraisers, hoping to raise enough money to purchase a new copy of the internet for the law firm. Unfortunately, nobody has found out how much a new internet costs.

Bill Jefferson, the CEO of E-Bay, the world famous internet auction site, has announced plans to sell the company on its own service. Inside sources state that the auction could be the biggest in E-Bay’s history, because the company has a virtual monopoly on internet auction activity. The site attracts millions of customers a month and features a wide variety of goods and services available to the highest bidder.

The site took only a short while to catch on when it first started in 1995, growing to its current status today, undisputedly one of the top 3 auction companies in the entire world. The fact that anybody with internet access can log on and get started right away is a major reason for the popularity of the site. Another major reason has to do with the Biretto crime family having a large investment in the company. They tend to “discourage” any other companies from trying to gain a foothold in the online auction community.

When asked what his plans were following the sale of his lucrative company, Mr. Jefferson said that he doesn’t actually plan to give up control of his company. He plans to pocket the cash without delivering the product. “It might knock down my seller rating a few notches, but it’s a shitload of free money! Plus, I’ll just blame everything on Martha Stewart!”