jimmywellington.com

Written by Thaddeus McClean III and Jimmy Wellington (Originally written in 2002, but republished due to recent events)

After nine weeks of surveillance by a private investigator hired by members of the community, Pastor Johan Fealy of Mulletville, Indiana was found to have not once touched any child, male or female, in an improper or sexual manner. Members of the Mulletville Community Board were shocked and disappointed.

They want to make sure they touch children and their lives

“I thought for sure that we’d catch him doing something,” said Chester Peters, a parishioner at St. Sylvester the Banal where Father Fealy is the pastor and only priest in residence. “I saw him touch my son once,” said Peters, “he was coaching my son’s soccer team and gave my son a high-five when he scored a goal. But there was something I didn’t trust about that high-five. He’s just got to be up to something.” (more…)

With public opinion strongly against government handouts for corporations, GMAC CEO Michael Carpenter finds himself in the precarious position of rebuilding a company while remaining conscious of the public’s view of his actions. When word leaked that some of the companies that were taking bailout money from the government were distributing lavish bonuses, confidence plummeted while stock in pitchforks soared. Therefore, when a GMAC senior executive asked for a pony for his daughter, Carpenter was placed in a tough position.

See, look how much smaller that is than a pony

“We just received 3.79 Billion dollars from the government, or as it’s being described, from the taxpayers, even though the checks say United States Treasury, Carpenter said.”That is different, that is something we needed.  A pony is going to be looked at as an extravagance. We can’t afford the public backlash if this story gets out.”

Part of the problem with the pony requisition is that, unlike the billions of dollars from the government, you can’t pay back a pony. “Even though it’s only $1000, everyone can imagine a pony. People can’t really imagine 3 Billion dollars, so it’s much easier to make it sound like no big deal.” (more…)

The American Civil Liberties Union, the militant branch of the ultra left wing, announced yesterday that the “Beltway Sniper” is the 2002 recipient of their Equal Opportunity Killer Of The Year Award, receiving more than four times as many votes as the second place finisher, the unfortunately named “Crack Whore Killer”.

ACLU head Wanda Kopkin explained the organization’s controversial decision: “We understand that some people think that we are bringing undue attention to this crazy killer. Here at the ACLU, we believe that he should be commended for his commitment to racial and sexual equality among his victims.”

The Rev. Jesse Jackson also lauded the killer: “This man or woman has no set profile for his victims, utilizes no quota, just plain, straightforward, random killing.”

“The ACLU should be ashamed of themselves,” said an unnamed CNN programming executive. “They are glorifying this crazy killer – praising the sniper for not targeting a specific type of victim? That’s just sensationalist reporting taken to the extreme.”

Unfortunately the executive could not provide further comment, as he was trying frantically to finalize a graphic for their new “Could YOU Be The Next Sniper Victim?” story.

Many Americans think that the media has made the sniper into more of a celebrity than he deserves.

“I mean, he’s only striking from around a hundred yards away, that’s not the mark of a true sniper,” said former Marine sniper Bill Merrin. “If I was going around killing random people, I would definitely be way more accurate than this clown.”

Merrin added, “Plus, tarot cards? That’s so gay.”

Written by Randall Kensington

Port Orchard, Wash. – Eagle Scout Josh Jameson has earned 37 merit badges, worked more than 1,000 hours of community service and helps lead a Boy Scout troop in his hometown.

The scout leaders plan to follow the execution with a campfire

But the 19-year-old has another distinction – one that warrants his death: He’s retarded.

Last week, Jameson was given seven days by the Boy Scout’s regional executive to get un-retarded to comply with Boy Scout policy, or be tortured and executed on public television. The official and Jameson were to talk again this week about the scout’s decision, although a definitive date has not been set.

“We’ve asked him time and time again — quit being so friggin’… retarded! Do whatever you need to do to get that IQ above 80 or you’re dead,” said Brad Farmer, the Scout executive of the Chief Seattle Council of the Boy Scouts. “If he decides to stay retarded then he does not meet the standards of membership and therefore we can kill him. It’s all in the contract.”

As a private orginzation, the Boy Scouts are permitted to exclude certain people from membership. The organization reserves its right to execute Negroes, Spics, Ugly People, Chicks, Fat Kids, Fags, Camel Jockeys and Retards.

Jameson, brother of world-renowned adult film star Jenna Jameson, said “Duh… um like… hehe,” when asked about his plans. He then had a spasm in his arm and drooled a little.

The issue arose about three weeks ago when Jameson got into an argument with a Scout Leader about who got the last popsicle at a picnic. Raised voices turned to shouting, shouting turned to yelling, and yelling turned to screaming. “I finally said ‘Oh shut up, you retard!’,” says the Scout Leader, who wished to remain anonymous, “and he didn’t say ‘No I’m not’, so we took that as admission to being retarded. First chicks want to vote and now this. What is the world coming to?” Farmer’s office soon contacted Jameson to discuss the issue.

The issue has surfaced before. In 1998, 16-year-old William Robbins, who was discovered to be black after 6 years in the organization, was tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged 500 miles on the way to a group camping trip by his Troup Leader. The Supreme Court approved of the action due to the Boy Scouts’ status as a private organization.

Written by Brian K. White

At any given time the US Center for Disease Control is tracking the spread of as many as 85 sexually transmitted diseases ranging from monkey clap, genital ticks, corroso-gyne, to nasal gonnorhitis. This summer, however, glitter is fast becoming the epidemic in New England.

Most often contracted from young girls attending parties, glister is a shiny speckled disease comprised primarily of plastic and happiness. Glitter affects the appearance of skin on those infected and can also be carried on clothing or in small plastic vials available at any dollar store. Typically this glitter rubs off from the infected person to her partner during any sexual contact, even necking.

Robert Stewart, a high school senior, contracted glitter from a “slutty little sophomore” at his sister’s birthday sleepover. “It was awful. We were just making out and talking and I was even wearing a condom already just in case and I wake up the next morning and I’m like ‘Oh no, what did I do?’” Robert had glitter on his face and hands despite repeated washings before going to his nearby clinic for treatment.

Dr Shaw at the Bellport Kiddy Pregnancy Clinic tells us, “We’re seeing a lot of it this year. Thought it would be another summer for weeping cuticle sores, but no such luck. Kids come in here all sparkly and we don’t even have to get the story, though we always do. Some of them are pretty messed up. I don’t know, maybe it’s my thing. So we just prescribe them lava soap, a loofa sponge, and send them on their way.”

Infected persons usually revocer completely within 3-5 days of treatment, but if they don’t wash out their clothes and bedding properly, it can come back faster than mexi-crabs at Cinqo de Mayo, and I think our readers pretty much all know about that first hand.

Despite it’s epidemic growth and ease of spread, police are not concerned. Chief Kenny Ness spoke candidly with us, “Hey come on, boys want to gamble their chowder spouter’s, that’s their own deal. But in statutory rape cases glitter is more accurate than DNA in tracking who’s been tapping who’s little girls, you know? Parents in this community are glad their little cocksucker’s got glitter.”

Amanda Clark is a freshman at Mt. Holyoke College, and insists she’s not a little cocksucker, though quite talented. “I’m glad it was glitter because as soon as [my boyfriend] came over I knew he’d been slumming his package around. Even though it was still in his hair and on his nose he tried to deny it. Said he must have caught it from a toilet seat or something.”

We learn that Amanda’s situation is not so uncommon. CDC officials are praising glitter for it’s high visibility with their slogan “If can see, let him keep it,” citing their difficulty in containing more illusive hump-nasties such as genital leprosy and the itchy sphincter syndrome. Both of those can be passed from partner to partner before the infected person will exhibit telltale signs such as absence of genitalia or a scratching at one’s one sphincter.

Written by Brian K. White

“Crime is on the downturn,” reports Northpoint City Mayor Michael Burgmann. “and I think the reason is clear.” The reason, of course is the newest crime deterrent manufactured and marketed by Preventech Corp. of Hatfield, Michigan.

The product, coined the “Scare-Pimp” works according to the instinctive patterns of both pimps and their contract employees. “They’re a territorial breed,” explains Ronnie Newman, CEO of Preventech. “You only get one per block and that’s it. They don’t break the pimping grounds rule.”

The principle is simple, one scare pimp is placed on a corner of each known problem area. They are built slightly larger than the standard pimp, in order to deter confrontation. When confrontations do arise, the Scare-Pimps cool nature and ability to play silent typically defuses any problems. Many are placed beside cardboard cutouts of Cadillacs with tinted windows, while others have one or more “scare-hoes” by their sides.

“We experimented early on with models that would smoke a cigar or a crack pipe, but found their straw composition to be too combustible. Fireproofing a bunch of hay like that was nearly impossible, since we already had to scotch guard the damn things for rain, so we just added a few more gold chains. Pretty much did the trick.”

Law enforcement officials have applauded the program since its inception and have continued to find new applications. They are also capable of attracting vice-crime violators who have been seen attempting to talk with the scare pimp for as long as 45 minutes.

Keith Potter leans his head against the deployed airbag of his black 1997 Toyota Celica, trying in vain to shake the cobwebs from his head, caused by running headfirst into a telephone pole – again.

It's Not Too Hard To Pick Out DDAMM Members

Potter is a founding member of the reactionary organization Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers (DDAMM – the first D is silent). For years Potter, and others like him, have been persecuted by the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) organization. They intend to do something about the harassment, providing members can make it to the meetings. (more…)

Disappointing the millions of Americans that wanted to see the case go to trial, the “Bumfights” case has been settled. According to early reports, the plaintiffs – Rufus Hannah, 47, and Donald Brennan, 53, have each received a settlement of 2 million cheeseburgers, rather than the $100,000 they were seeking.

The producers of the videos, which depict homeless men doing dangerous stunts as well as participating in fights in return for small amounts of cash, liquor, and/or food insist that they have done nothing illegal. The original lawsuit asked for a monetary remuneration, however the bums agreed to settle for a food payoff.

Their lawyer Jim Jefferson claimed that the settlement was “a victory for the large amount [5] of bums that were taken advantage of by these shameless voyeurs that will do anything for a buck. How can they look their mothers in the eye, when they pander in such filth?”

The defendants’ mothers told us they’re “so unbelievably proud of our sons! They moved us out of our small houses into larger ones down on Miami Beach. God bless our children!”

The case has provoked controversy throughout the country, with some decrying the producers as taking advantage of poor defenseless bums, as opposed to the hundreds of thousands of viewers that “pissed their pants laughing at those fucking guys.”

Even though the monetary value of the settlement is greater than the $100,000 first sought, the defendants were able to obtain a clause stating that they will be able to continue selling the videos from their websites, which should more than offset the money they will spend purchasing the burgers.

Fortunately for the filmmakers, they were able to scam their local McDonald’s into accepting the “Wimpy Proposition”, in which they would gladly pay them tomorrow for a cheeseburger today. They then skipped town, leaving a Bakersville, CA McDonalds to foot their bill.

Written by Randall Kensington

With the dismal recent performance of major stock markets and spiraling property costs, Scott Albertson is trying a radical new form of investment — smoking.

Albertson holds up a recent copy of USA Today which reads “Philip Morris Hit With $28 Billion Punitive-Damage Verdict.” “Wow,” says Albertson, “and that was just for one old woman. That’s way better than the lotto.” Yup, you guessed it, Scott Albertson is a wanna-be tobacco industry lawsuit filer. “The way I figure it”, says Albertson, 28, as he deeply inhales 4 unfiltered cigarettes, “I’ve got 10, 20, maybe 30 year of [investment smoking] before I go. I’ll spend somewhere between $50,000 and $100,000 on cigarettes, but once I get lung cancer I’ll be able to sue for hundreds of billions.”

Albertson doesn’t plan on seeing any of that money; he plans on using the cash settlement for college for his two young sons and for buying his wife Wilma “a real big house and some new breasts.” “I’m so proud of him,” says Wilma, confiding in me, “Scotty may not be the brightest bulb but he seems to really have this one worked out. I’ll sure be glad when that free money starts rolling in.”

And he’s not the only one. Sylvia X also began smoking recently because of the headline and the lure of billions. “Look, it’s more expensive than alcholism, but the potential long-term cash benefits are enormous. The stock market sucks, interest rates suck and the odds of winning lotto are shit. Smoking is a viable long-term investment.”

The medical community does not take the issue of suicide smoking lightly. “I’m appalled”, says Dr. Deepdish Sanji. “If these people are working on getting cancer, they’ll probably ignore their other health problems as well. Translation: Fewer doctor visits, and fewer Mercedes for Dr. Sanji.”

Rumor has it that the tobacco industry has embraced such behavior — and that major tobacco companies are planning a new ad campaign entitled “Invest — Start Smoking” coupled with a new line of unfiltered, extra-wide, extra-long, extra-addictive “flavor” cigarettes. Tobacco industry bigwigs could not be reached for comment, but Marlboro’s spokesperson did comment “Hey, anything that gets people smoking…”

Fast food customers across America rejoiced recently as McDonalds released the newest item in their diverse menu selection. The new drink, “The McForty”, has been added to the previous beverage menu, consisting primarily of non-alcoholic drinks. “The addition was clear,” explained Frank Robertson from McDonalds public relations, “We’ve always offered malted shakes, why not malt liquor?”

Fast food experts are divided on their opinion of the McForty. Expert Jim McGillis states: “This is a great day for fast food patrons everywhere. Not only can a customer get cheap, low quality food, they can also get cheap, low quality alcohol. I can’t think of a better complement to an artery-clogging Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese than a refreshing, waistline-expanding malt beverage.”

Health authority Kelly Killington has a different opinion. “There is no place in McDonalds for alcohol! Not even in the Play Place. This evil liquid being sold alongside Happy Meals for children is an outrage! It’s bad enough that the food is extremely unhealthy for Americans, but now they’re offering a very dangerous beverage. When will it stop?”

Obviously, McDonalds spokesman Jerry Kinler sides with McGillis. “Today is an important step forward for our corporation. Before our customers had only the option of escaping from their problems momentarily by losing themselves in our savory beef patties with special sauce, and no one even knows what that’s made out of. Now we give them the option of avoiding any negative issues in their life for hours at a time. All for a low price, especially if they purchase the extra value meal.”

Not surprisingly, Burger King has countered with their own malt liquor beverage, the “Burger King Cobra”. Fast food chain Jack in The Box plans to push the envelope even further by offering “Crack in a Box” next month.

Further, all the restaurant chains agree, there is no reason these items should be restricted from the drive through windows.