They're always after me lucky bombs!

“It’s easy to find Ground Zero, but we weren’t sure on what side of Ground Zero this travesty is being planned,” said Russell Garrison, factory worker and Glenn Beck viewer, who journeyed from Ohio to protest the construction. “We heard that they already had a giant Batman-like light that projected a giant star and crescent into the night sky, but we couldn’t see anything like that.”

Many would-be protesters are under the assumption that the building is being built at Ground Zero, probably because pundits have been calling the planned community center the “Ground Zero Mosque.” In the same way that Joe the Plumber wasn’t actually a licensed plumber and was not named Joe, the building is not located at Ground Zero, nor is it technically a mosque. Sure, a mosque is part of the community center, but most people do not say they are going to the bathroom to work out, even though their local gym has several bathrooms included inside the building.

Expert quitter Sarah Palin has not helped matters, going so far as to calling the building the “9/11 Mosque” on her Facebook page, which is the center of her political multi-media empire. The former governor of Alaska uses social networking sites to put out policy messages, believed by any who has heard her speak to be ghost written by staffers. Rational people have mocked this approach, although many say that “she puts the ‘Twit’ in Twitter.”

While many protestors are having trouble finding the proposed building site, other problems are arising from misinformation. For example, four college students planned to burn boxes of Lucky Charms once they realized that the popular breakfast cereal contains by yellow moons and orange stars, which can be combined to produce the crescent moon, a symbol of Islam.

When asked for comment, Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page, where she had just posted a piece called “Burlington Jihad Factory – More Than Great Coats, Death to America”

The moment that an entire country pretended to care about later

When Landon Donovan coolly slotted the ball into the back of Algeria’s net, bars and living rooms exploded nationwide, with loyal U.S. Soccer fans elated by their country’s advancement into the second round of the World Cup. The next day, many Americans who had not watched the game, most of whom had not seen a replay, had very strong opinions about the US chances against Ghana. “All I can say is our next opponent is ‘not Ghana beat us,’” said college student Billy Miller, repeating a joke he read on a popular sports blog. He continued, “The US side, as long as they don’t concede early, should be able to get a favorable result. I just hope the official doesn’t fall for Ghana players going down to the pitch, you know, simulation. I hate that.” Miller has no idea what the words “side,” “concede,” “pitch,” “going down,” and “simulation” mean in this context.

It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign.

Hannity and other conservative commentators have taken a break from accusing government of having too much influence and not allowing private corporations to run efficiently to demand to know why the Obama administration has not used its influence to force BP to act responsibly. Michelle Bachmann (R-abid), who, like other conservatives, is in favor of free-market capitalism, in which corporations are able to operate with as little regulation as possible, said, “The administration, they were hands off. They didn’t do anything. Where were the boats that could have been commandeered by the government to be sent into this region to deal with that oil plume as it was coming up in the water and destroying marine life? Nowhere to be found. Why? The administration was hands off on this policy.

When reached for comment about Obama’s seizure of Exxon, Bachmann said, “See, here is another case of this administration being too hands on. Why can’t the government just leave corporations alone?”

Gibbs announced plans to take 60% of resources from cleanup and investigation of BP and allocate them to an investigation of Exxon. He repeatedly stated that 40% of current resources would be enough to finish the investigation into the current leak, saying, “We are confident that we can liberate the oil from the oil-water mixture and that the American people will be happy to see us succeed, with some possibly going so far as to present us with flowers.”

This bold step of preemptively taking control of corporations that might pose an ecological risk in the future is being called the Obama Doctrine, and is officially off limits as an interview question for potential 2012 Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who tweeted: “Prez sez we should stick noses in2 business. Not business of govt.  Govt is of people, by people, +4 ppl. See FB post.”

For some reason, he walked backwards into the water

After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.

The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously.

Fox News carried live coverage of the President’s swim and provided helpful graphics. One of their features compared Obama’s swim time to Michael Phelps’ Olympic races, which were nearly twice as fast, even accounting for the poor water conditions. Fox also had a live poll:

What is President Obama planning to do?

A. Wait until the cameras are stopped, then whistle for a speedboat.

B. See if he can find someone he hasn’t blamed yet.

C. Just go for a little swim because he doesn’t even know about the oil spill yet.

D. See if Poseidon has his birth certificate.

Rush Limbaugh provided live commentary, taking a break from his honeymoon following his fourth traditional marriage. “Wow, I didn’t know people like him could swim! And by “people like him,” I of course mean intellectual elites, not anything else you might think I mean. Don’t even think about playing the race card on me.”

After diving down to personally inspect the oil spill, Obama got into a speedboat for the return trip to shore, prompting Glenn Beck to question why he didn’t swim the 40 miles back to shore. “The people out there have enough to do without having to ferry Obama around,” Beck said. “Doesn’t he think he can walk on water?”

But Republicans might want to take a hard look at the suggestion that “we need to reframe the discussion” about the BP oil spill to counteract the “environmental whackos” worried about wildlife. Republicans, this person proposed, should argue that “BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good.”

In case you’re curious, here is my full post:

We need to reframe debates so that we look better. So many people are making a big deal out the oil spill, and these environmental whackos are all aflutter about the birds and fish. We need to reframe the discussion. Two solutions: The oil spill is producing clean energy. The libs are always screaming about how dirty our energy is. BP is trying out a new technique – washing the oil before refining it. How can washing something be bad? Second solution: BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good.

Perhaps the saddest response was to my original “idea.”

I propose a multi-level solution that will solve many of our problems. 1. Repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell 2. Form and train elite units of all-gay soldiers, marines, sailors, and airmen 3. To recruit, allow these brave service members the right to get married with 3 years of service 4. Right years of injustice by allowing these gay service members the opportunity to earn the Medal of Honor and other highly sought after medals by putting these elite squads in the most dangerous areas of battle.

These, seriously, were the two, maybe “real” responses to my “idea”

eh. Just a heads up. The medal of honor is neither sought after nor truly earned. It is awarded. No one ‘wins’ the medal. courage and valor is not a race. In the history of our nation thousands have performed acts of courage and valor that would ‘rate’ the medal, not all are recognized with the award. And those that have would certainly never say they won a sought after prize.

and…

The problem I see is that you are not acknowledging that gays are already serving in the Armed Services. I suggest implementing your program for all the illegals that are here in America – so they can earn their citizenship under our current laws. It could be considered a right of passage.

I’m glad they latched onto the real problems with my plan.

Oh yeah, he asked for a cameo

Lindelof explains, “We are always writing about the man of science and the man of faith, but we completely forgot about the man of Nazareth. It would really suck if Jesus returned to judge the quick and the dead before our audience could find out what ends up happening with their favorite castaways.”

Jack, from The Lost Podcast with Jay and Jack, is not taking the news well. At the end of each Wednesday’s show, he gives his “crackpot theory of the week,” in which he proposes a strange, somewhat logical theory that almost always never comes true. He was about to predict the second coming on May 22, until he read about the agreement on Lostpedia.”I was so upset. I thought I really had it this time.” Jack ended up going with his theory that the entire run of Lost has just been a ploy to get Jenna Elfman back on network television with the spin-off “The Dharma Initiative and Greg.”

Christ only agreed to delay his return after Cuse and Lindelof gave him a producer credit on the finale and made changes to the script. According to Lindelof, Christ made the following demands:

1. Either make Kate not suck again or kill her off. There’s only so many times I can listen to her whine, for my sake.
2. Bring back Nikki and Paolo. Then bring back Sayid so he can snap their necks with his legs.
3. Three words: Ezra James Sharkington.
4. In keeping with Lost’s habit of using philosopher’s names for characters, reveal that Zoe’s last name is Nietzsche. Then kill her off. She’s really annoying.
5. Show the four-toed statue’s backstory, including the part when it used to have kung-fu fights with the Statue of Liberty.

According to Lindelof, Christ is pondering starring in his upcoming ABC pilot “Sideways Jesus,” in which the son of God would play an alternate reality version of himself. The character would travel from town to town in a Cadillac Escalade, healing people (as long as they had insurance and no pre-existing conditions.)

After nine weeks of surveillance by a private investigator hired by members of the community, Pastor Johan Fealy of Mulletville, Indiana was found to have not once touched any child, male or female, in an improper or sexual manner. Members of the Mulletville Community Board were shocked and disappointed.

They want to make sure they touch children and their lives

“I thought for sure that we’d catch him doing something,” said Chester Peters, a parishioner at St. Sylvester the Banal where Father Fealy is the pastor and only priest in residence. “I saw him touch my son once,” said Peters, “he was coaching my son’s soccer team and gave my son a high-five when he scored a goal. But there was something I didn’t trust about that high-five. He’s just got to be up to something.”

Mabel Powers, leader of the Mulletville Community Board explained some of the methodologies used in order to secure any possible evidence. “We once had him ‘accidentally’ locked for several hours inside the parochial school gymnasium with the entire girl’s gymnastic league. When nothing happened but prayer and a sing-a-long, we knew he was onto us. So, we sent Bobby Fitzsimmons into the church an hour and a half before mass one Sunday wearing nothing but his altar boy outfit, carrying a jar of Vaseline and with the instruction to go right up to the Pastor and hug him as soon as he got there. Bastard still didn’t break down.”

With the large amount of publicity devoted to priests that have molested young boys, the faithful of Mulletville do not believe that Father Fealy is fully qualified to save their souls. A local parishioner shared their concerns: “Every other clergy member is sticking his candle wick in the holy water, if you catch my drift. We have a sneaking suspicion that if he didn’t attend that training, what other ones did he skip?”

The citizens of Mulletville now refuse to take Fealy seriously as their spiritual leader. They have officially requested that the Archdiocese of Washburn immediately provide a replacement for Pastor Fealy or send him on extended retreat so that he may renew his connection with his faith and bond with other priests.

There has been no official response yet from the Archdiocese on what they will do with Pastor Feeley, although one report from the Washburn area quotes Bishop Soames as saying “I can’t wait to get my hands on him” after hearing about the parishioners’ requests.

Schools can't even afford real black for the blackboard."

Johnsonian High School sits atop a hill, surrounded by lush meadows. From the outside, it looks like any other high school. Upon entering, it soon becomes clear it is much different than any high school you’ve ever seen. In classroom C-395, the students are working in small groups, engaged in their activity, yet a teacher is nowhere to be found.

The high school is experimenting with a new form of cooperative learning. Generally, cooperative learning means that students work in groups to help each other learn new information, with a teacher’s guidance. Johnsonian Superintendent John Johnie thought that the approach could be streamlined further: “If students are helping each other learn, is the teacher really involved? Can’t we find some more cost-effective way of allowing students to help each other learn? I wrestled with those questions for several minutes, and then found a better way.”

Johnie’s idea was to go even further than any educational researcher had dared and eliminate the teacher from the classroom altogether. Instead of paying a teacher a yearly salary, students are paid based on how well they do on their tests. A student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “The administrators providing the tests have no clue about literature, math, science, whatever. They just give us tests they found on the internet. It takes us about three minutes to find the test using our iPhones, and then someone outside the camera’s view shouts out the answers to the rest of the class. I want to be a student forever.”

The camera mentioned by the student is the school’s attempt to re-create the effect a teacher has on student behavior. According to Johnie, studies have shown that merely having someone in the room prevents 75% of student misbehavior. When asked to what studies he was referring, Johnie said, “You know, studies. Those scientific ones.” The high school has installed cameras built into cardboard cutouts of Adolf Hitler, which are mounted in the front of the classroom, replacing the whiteboard. “Who’s going to misbehave when Hitler’s watching you?” said Johnie. “Misbehavior from our Jewish students dropped dramatically, and it’s down among all groups.”

These cameras are monitored by the only remaining adults in the school, who observe all the classrooms from a fortified command center, formerly the school’s office. After a rough start, in which students attempted to break into the command center and take over control of the school, they gave up. According to the administrator on duty, “The first few days were a bit tough, you’d be surprised at how creative students can be when they really want to get in somewhere, but I haven’t had to release the tear gas into the hallways in quite some time.”

The literature classroom we observed spent the period hard at work. Students were engaged in their group activities. One group was exploring the exploitation of the female body in modern adult internet videos. These students successfully divided up the tasks necessary to conduct a full analysis of the subject. One student brought in print examples of the body’s exploitation that he said he pirated from a local convenience store. Another student utilized technology, installing a key logger program onto his father’s computer, allowing him to obtain passwords for popular adult internet sites. The group spent most of the period observing videos relating to their issue, and was “on-task” for the entire class.

The class’s other group, consisting of every female student, spent the period alternating between a comparative study of the last year’s “Cosmopolitan” sex tips articles and a group discussion on how disgusting boys are. Their conclusion to the first activity is that the magazine prints the same articles each month, but changes a few words. One of the boys suggested they close the class by having a representative from each group model in pairs what they learned, but the girls declined.

Test: Is this an acceptable celebration?

The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.

From: IOC

To: Olympic Athletes

Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes

As of today, Olympic athletes may not:

1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler.

Acceptable Substitutes – A nice handshake; a bow (although only if you’re from an Asian country, otherwise it may be offensive; A hug, although it must be between members of the opposite sex and there must be no meeting of the genital region;

Related banned celebrations – Fist bump (promotes terrorism per Fox News)

2. Anything involving alcohol or tobacco – Enough with the tired argument “but we’re adults who can legally consume these substances.” We’re letting you compete for medals, the least you can do is not act like adults.

Acceptable substitutes – Drink a Coca-Cola, Eat a Big Mac, or use your Acer Laptop. Basically, anything involving these companies is great.

Related banned celebrations – We know that you are surrounded by other young athletes in peak physical condition with tremendous bodies, but can’t you refrain from sex or sexual innuendoes until you get home? Also, there is to be no licking, sucking, or any other oral acts performed on the medals.

3. Profanity – Remember, someone is always watching. Even though you may think that you’re having a private chat with your coach prior to the biggest event of your life, make sure to keep your language safe for viewers at home. Even though most of the events are tape delayed, the burden to be clean is on you, not the producer who makes the decision to put a live microphone around 19 year old snowboarders.

Acceptable substitutes – Use only language your grandmother would approve of. Well, unless your grandmother is Betty White.

Related banned celebrations – Obscene gestures.

If all else fails, just pretend that the people choosing what goes on television are complete idiots, and act accordingly.

President Clinton will be able to resume his normal level of hitting on chicks in under a week

According to our source, the former President was having a leisurely breakfast when he suddenly dropped the newspaper, grabbed his chest, and said, “Oh my God.” When aides asked him what was wrong, he said, “I need to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital right away.” Our source stayed behind to search for evidence of possible poisoning and glanced at the newspaper Clinton had dropped.

“I didn’t think of it until later,” our source said. “But, at the top of the paper was a large headline that read ‘New York Presbyterian Candy Striper Program Rated Best in Country.’ I remembered Mr. Clinton’s reading disability that causes him to involuntarily add an extra ‘p’ to words, and figured out what happened.”

While “letteraderitis” is a rare learning disability, it seems to effect U.S. Presidents at an alarming rate. George W. Bush is perhaps best known for adding the letters “W,” “M,” and “D” to Iraq.

This isn’t the first time that Clinton’s reading problem has caused some confusion. “While he was President,” our source says, “he kept sending out memos about wanting to attend the Supper Bowl. We thought he was just poking fun at Ronald Reagan’s declining mental state during his second term.”

This version of events helps to explain Clinton’s insistence that his ambulance stop at a convenience store to break a twenty. 7-11 clerk Jeremy Dillon says, “all the sudden this guy in a suit came in and demanded I change his twenty dollar bill for twenty singles. I told him that he needed to buy something, and he asked me if I wanted to be sent to Guantanamo. I gave him the singles.”

Our source claims that Clinton has made great strides to overcome his reading problem by taking classes at the local Huntington Learning Center. “Originally he had a bad attitude about seeking help. He said it was no big deal that he was adding extra letters. His parents thought that it was just a phase and he would outgrow it. He finally admitted that he had a problem and there was a solution. Obviously, he still needs to keep working.”