jimmywellington.com

Written by Thaddeus McClean III and Jimmy Wellington (Originally written in 2002, but republished due to recent events)

After nine weeks of surveillance by a private investigator hired by members of the community, Pastor Johan Fealy of Mulletville, Indiana was found to have not once touched any child, male or female, in an improper or sexual manner. Members of the Mulletville Community Board were shocked and disappointed.

They want to make sure they touch children and their lives

“I thought for sure that we’d catch him doing something,” said Chester Peters, a parishioner at St. Sylvester the Banal where Father Fealy is the pastor and only priest in residence. “I saw him touch my son once,” said Peters, “he was coaching my son’s soccer team and gave my son a high-five when he scored a goal. But there was something I didn’t trust about that high-five. He’s just got to be up to something.”

Mabel Powers, leader of the Mulletville Community Board explained some of the methodologies used in order to secure any possible evidence. “We once had him ‘accidentally’ locked for several hours inside the parochial school gymnasium with the entire girl’s gymnastic league. When nothing happened but prayer and a sing-a-long, we knew he was onto us. So, we sent Bobby Fitzsimmons into the church an hour and a half before mass one Sunday wearing nothing but his altar boy outfit, carrying a jar of Vaseline and with the instruction to go right up to the Pastor and hug him as soon as he got there. Bastard still didn’t break down.”

With the large amount of publicity devoted to priests that have molested young boys, the faithful of Mulletville do not believe that Father Fealy is fully qualified to save their souls. A local parishioner shared their concerns: “Every other clergy member is sticking his candle wick in the holy water, if you catch my drift. We have a sneaking suspicion that if he didn’t attend that training, what other ones did he skip?”

The citizens of Mulletville now refuse to take Fealy seriously as their spiritual leader. They have officially requested that the Archdiocese of Washburn immediately provide a replacement for Pastor Fealy or send him on extended retreat so that he may renew his connection with his faith and bond with other priests.

There has been no official response yet from the Archdiocese on what they will do with Pastor Feeley, although one report from the Washburn area quotes Bishop Soames as saying “I can’t wait to get my hands on him” after hearing about the parishioners’ requests.