jimmywellington.com

Rather than making fun of celebrities and politicians today, we decided to provide a special public service.  Since nobody is telling people how to avoid the H1N1 flu, more commonly referred to as “swine” flu, we decided to help you prepare for the impending Aporkalypse.  Since the number of the beast is 666, here are 6 ways to protect yourself and your family.

This is NOT how to get swine flu

1.  No matter how hot you think that girl or guy at the club is, ask your friends for a second opinion before you take them home.  Your inebriation may cause you to succumb to the number one cause of contracting swine flu: having sex with a pig.

2.  If you sizzle and give off a delectable aroma when in direct sunlight, go see a doctor.

3.  If you need to cough, cough into another person’s sleeve.  This “cough into your own sleeve” idea is counterproductive, as you will be in close contact to your sleeve for the rest of the day.

4.  Start and conclude each day with a shower with boiling hot water.  Second degree burns are a small price to pay for sanitation.

5.  Since vaccines are in short supply, every person does not need a vaccine.  Only one person in a couple needs to be vaccinated, the second person can be immunized through sexual contact with the vaccinated person.  Remember, no condom!

6.  Avoid populations that are closely associated with pigs, such as pig farmers, butchers, and police.

UPDATE!

7. Using hand sanitizer is a great idea.  To ensure removal of germs, make sure you have a good coat of sanitizer, then light it on fire.  The fire will roast any remaining germs.