The Best of Page 2 – Part Two
Here is the second half of The Best of Page Two
Bitch Cited For Failure To “Get Out The Way” – Local bitch Janet Chiller was issued a ticket by police for failure to obey the rapper Ludacris as he instructer her to “Get Out The Way” in a club on Saturday. According to witnesses, the popular rap artist was attempting to make his way through the club, with Ms. Chiller obstructing his path. Mr. Ludacris asked her politely to “Move Bitch”, a request that she refused to obey. Obviously in the wrong, she was issued a ticket and will have to appear in court next week. Chiller ran afoul of the law a few years back when she refused a request to “Back ‘Dat Ass Up”, which resulted in 14 days of jail time. Ludacris could not be reached for comment, as his entourage said he was “too fucking stoned to speak”.
Woman Denies Possession of Vibrator – Clarice Jenkins, a housewife from Billings, Montana, refuted accusations leveled by her husband that a vibrator found in a drawer belonged to her. Robert Jenkins says that he “came home from work and accidentally bumped into her end table drawer. The resulting buzzing sound caused me to investigate further.” That was when the discovery of the vibrator occurred.
Mrs. Jenkins originally tried to say that the vibrator belonged to their 8 year old daughter, Lorraine. When that excuse was not believed, she then said that it came with the drawer and she had never bothered to throw it away. Finally she admitted that she may have purchased a “pregnancy free penis substitute”, but definitely not a vibrator.
Man Changes Name to Billy Bob in Bid to Wed Jolie – Neil Gillies, a local 18 year old, decided on Saturday to legally change his name to Billy Bob, upon hearing that actress Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from husband Billy Bob Thorton. “Well, I know from the stories I’ve read that she has the name Billy Bob tattooed on her in two places. One is on her arm, and the other is on her…well, you know..”, said Gillies. Gillies thinks that he can save the actress the hundreds of dollars it will take to have the tattoos removed, by meeting Jolie and sweeping her off her feet. Gillies, a 5’5″ 300 pound college freshman has already sent 400 emails to the actress informing her of his plans.
Student Relives Film “Memento” After Night Of Binge Drinking – Ever woken up and not known where you were or what you’ve done the night before? No, it’s not the Christopher Nolan motion picture “Memento”, but a real life story experienced by University of Texas student Kelly Hundler this morning. After a night of heavy drinking at a fraternity the night before, Hundler had staggered back to her dormitory room, then passed out. “When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was, or how I had gotten back to the room. I began to dig around the room, where I found some polaroids that were taken last night. Studying the photographs, I figured out why my ass is sore.”
“America’s Most Wanted” Bummed About Sniper Capture – John Walsh, host of Fox’s program “America’s Most Wanted”, is reportedly “really bummed out” about the possible capture of the serial killer that had been terrorizing the nations capital and surrounding region. The show had success with their last episode, which was comprised entirely of information pertaining to the “Beltway Sniper”. This Sunday’s episode was to feature interviews of people that had played snipers in movies, the directors of these movies, and people who think their ex-boyfriends who ran out on them – leaving them with four children – might be the sniper.
Rescue Worker Realizes Suicidal Man Doesn’t Have Any Reason to Live – In a bizarre scene yesterday afternoon, a city man jumped to his death after apparently being encouraged by rescue worker Bob Fillings. Onlookers shockingly realized that Fillings was no longer attempting to save the man, rather he was giving him tips on the most effective way to jump to ensure maximum chance of death. Fillings explains, “I know that as a rescue worker, I’m supposed to help these people. Well, I thought that the best way to help this person was to let him jump. He was a horrible father, and an inattentive husband who had just gambled away the last of his family’s life savings. I think that he was doing his family a favor by taking the easy way out. If I was his kid, I wouldn’t even go to the funeral. I do have to say, his jump technique was flawless, I’d like to think that I helped him out in that regard. But hey, I’m just doing my job.”