Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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What does this guy know about gay genes?
Scientists at the Johnson Research Laboratory in Andover, NJ have discovered the gene that determines one’s sexual orientation. Later in the day, Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, announced that the party’s platform had changed to being pro-choice in certain conditions.
“You know, sometimes we make mistakes,” Priebus said. “We realized that the pro-choice people had some good points. As much as we would hope that people don’t choose to have an abortion, is it morally right to bring into the world a child who is destined to burn in hell?”
The latest change in policy comes in the midst of a Republican resurgence, in which newly elected lawmakers attempt to change laws to make government smaller. According to RNC spokesman Roger Ailes, “If government is not small, how can we insert it into women’s reproductive organs?”
Science ethicists disagree on the impact of the gay gene discovery. “There is no way to distinguish between ‘camps out for Kathy Griffin tickets’ gay and ‘dykes out for a semester in college’ gay,” says concerned ethicist Mark Devis, author of the popular column “Putting the Gene-y Back in the Bottle.”
This about-face on abortion restrictions is surprising because Republican state legislators have been proposing an increasingly stringent series of bills to limit a woman’s right to have an abortion. One such law slapped doctors with restraining orders that kept them from being within 100 yards of a fetus. -
Today’s political environment is dominated with extreme rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Talk of FEMA concentration camps, death panels, and a second hour of Glenn Beck are scaring naïve listeners. But there is one group who is not only not scared by these scare tactics, they are giddy with excitement.
Jenna is a budding abortion enthusiast and college student. “I am just so excited about the government funded abortions they say will be available when health care reform passes,” she says. “I’d been waiting for so long to finally experience an abortion, and I’m psyched that it will finally be affordable.”
Jenna says her sister, Jamie, has already had four abortions, and says she’s not done yet. “I only need one more for my punchcard, then I’ll get one free abortion with an equal or lesser priced invasive medical procedure,” Jamie says. “With offers like that I’d be a fool not to get pregnant again. The seats in the waiting room are really comfy too.”
Unfortunately, abortion aficionados may be in for a letdown. Conservative Democrat Bart Stupek has introduced the “Stupak Amendment,” which would prohibit anyone receiving federal subsidies for health care, the majority of Americans under current health care reform plans, from being able to choose a health care plan that covers abortions. -
Death awaits…
The debate over abortion has broken out in an unlikely place: dry cleaners. Most people think of their local dry cleaners as a place where they can bring their clothes to have them professionally cleaned and pressed. To such an uninformed consumer, all those paper-enveloped wire hangers are simply a place to hang a shirt. However, these useful tools can be used to perform “back-alley abortions,” creating a moral dillema for Christian dry cleaners.
Emboldened by the recent stories regarding Christian pharmacists refusing to dispense the Plan B emergency contraceptive, a small, but growing group of Christian dry cleaners are refusing to use wire hangers at their businesses.Randy Houseman, owner of Yahweh Cleaners, explains why he feels so strongly about the issue: “As Edmund Burke said, ‘All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.’ I’m not going to be one of the good men who does nothing.”
Calls to Planned Parenthood were not returned.
