jimmywellington.com

Written by Jake Novak

Country icon Dolly Parton’s plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation’s Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.

These boobs were made for ogling

“This is way worse than stem cell research,” said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, “I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now.”

Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.

“We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway,” said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, “you can bet I’ll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this.”

Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16′s on alert.

“They’ll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President’s order,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.

Meanwhile, administration critics are having a field day.

“This just goes to show how the President has failed even his core supporters at a key moment,” said New York Times editorial columnist Paul Krugman. (more…)

Lindsay Lohan’s breasts announced yesterday that they will set out on their own, and that they already have their own deal to star in their own situation comedy.

We'd normally write a caption here, but we're mesmerized

The Fox Network, known for its high brow programming, issued a press release trumpeting Lohan’s Breasts as the “number one attraction to our target demographic”.

Lohan filed a lawsuit against her former body parts, stating that: “It’s my body, and they can’t just like go off on their own. I mean, what would I do without my breasts?”

A judge interviewed about the case doesn’t think that Lohan will win the lawsuit. “The moment she decided to have implants, she gave up the right to decide what her breasts will and won’t do,” stated Lance Nightly. “I’ve spent hours studying photos of Lohan at awards shows, only pausing to take short five minute bathroom breaks, and I can say that there is irrefutable evidence showing that Lohan has indeed has breast surgery.”

Nightly admitted that “perhaps further research is required”.

This classic TFN story was originally published sometime in 2002:

The programming geniuses at Fox look like they will have another breakout hit on their hands with the new game show “Who Wants To Have Enormous Breasts?” The show is set to premiere at 9:00 pm on Tuesdays in the Fall Season. The show is from the same production team responsible for “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”, the game show that was extremely popular for a season, before the viewing public realized that they really couldn’t stand Regis Philbin.

What The...

A group of 10 women per episode are pitted against each other in a battle of brains, beauty, and sheer desperation. The woman that is judged the winner is awarded the grand prize of a free breast enlargement procedure performed by acclaimed plastic surgeon Dr. James Raque. Dr. Raque refused to charge the show for the procedures, in exchange for being allowed to keep copies of the “After” pictures for his own personal use. Unlike the Philbin hosted show, this new show guarantees that there will be a grand prize winner every show.

The show will be a mixture of trivia questions, along with a beauty contest. The final score for each contestant will be calculated using the formula of: Brains – 5%, Beauty – 95%. The contests will first be asked to answer a series of questions in the knowledge portion, which lasts for 5 minutes. Sample questions are: “Who is the current President of the United States?”, and “What is the name of the street that you live on?” There will also be visual questions, such as: “What are the two colors on this stop sign?”, and “Is this man wearing a dress or a suit?”. The last question was actually a trick question, since the picture was of Dennis Rodman. (more…)