Jimmy Wellington

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on the London riots.

Shortly after this photo was taken, Eric Cantor flung feces on the wall and walked out on his hands.

After over a week in which the debt ceiling crisis was the top news story nationwide, Congress is tired of the attention.

“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.

Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.

“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.

Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.

Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.

“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the debt ceiling crisis.

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth of July.

A massive two year old demands justice

The nation’s two-year-olds took to the street in loud, high-pitched protest to the acquittal of Casey Anthony, accused of killing her daughter Caylee.

“No justice, no peace!” babbled Houston riot leader Daquota Killington. “You like a peaceful plane trip? We will not sit down and shut up any longer. Good luck flying internationally. Invest in earplugs.”

Police have not seen two-year-old coordinated protests on this magnitude since the Katy Perry – Elmo music video was kept from airing on Sesame Street, although law enforcement still believes most of those toddlers were coerced to protest by teenage brothers.

Jose Baez, Anthony’s attorney, said, “It’s great to see that a young, attractive white woman can receive a favorable outcome in our broken criminal justice system.”

Facebook and Twitter erupted in protest of the verdict, and Nancy Grace was heard to audibly climax in anticipation of her next show’s ratings.

Still, the biggest news in the wake of the verdict is the toddler outrage.

Killington warns, “Just wait. We’re going on strike from making cute Youtube videos. We are in negotiations with the nation’s cats to support us.”

“Do you really want to live in a world with no cute baby or cat videos?” asked Killington. “What will you do at work?”