7. Balloon Boy – This story had everything I hate about our society. Parents who give their children ridiculous names (Did you name your kid after a Midwest state? You might as well install a pole in her bedroom so she can get some practice for her future career), the twenty-four hour news cycle that values exclusive “information” over verified facts, and reality television, which will appear in future installments of this list.
Of course, it’s not every day that you get to watch a bag of Jiffy Pop soar majestically through the air like some kind of large bird like an eagle or something. It’s right on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, Falcon. That was my first clue that the kid wasn’t really in the balloon. Well, that and the use of my eyes to visually acquire information about the size and shape of the balloon, which then sent the information to my brain to process and send a signal to my mouth to say “WTFuck?! You’re seriously trying to tell me there’s a kid riding in that? Where? Does he have Saddam’s WMDs with him? Is he riding on an invisible unicorn under the balloon?”
I was shocked to learn that parents who name their kid Falcon exploited him for supposed fame and fortune. I guess being known as the douche in the balloon kinda qualifies as fame, I mean, you can’t spell “infamous” without “famous.” The strange thing is that the kid would have had a better chance at a well-adjusted life if his parents had named him Falco.
The only part of this story I liked was when the kid threw up on national television.