Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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If Sarah Palin writes another book, the title should be “As I Say, Lying.Jimmy Wellington
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But she’s so pretty!
Editor’s Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.
When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska’s top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network’s stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.However, Palin’s decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.
Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers’ pieces on her Facebook page.
Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy. -
5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in thebeginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.
Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let’s take a look at the abbreviated timeline:
Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: “Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?”
Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: “Go get those WMDs!” later amended to “Saddam is a bad man” later amended to “You’ll take our democracy if you know what’s good for you!”
Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.
Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: “Oh, hell no!” -
Fox News depiction of people in line for Beck movie premiere
This week, you could go anywhere without seeing advertisements for Glenn Beck’s movie “The Christmas Sweater.” In fact, if you don’t watch Fox News or listen to Beck’s radio show, it’s likely that you had no idea that the controversial talk show host and frequent saline producer even had a movie coming out. Beck’s two hour and fifteen minute motion picture debut played in hundreds of theaters throughout the country on Thursday night, and his fans were pumped! So pumped, that they bought ninety-four out of a possible one-hundred ninety-three tickets in Rockwall, Texas. They bought one-hundred seventy tickets in West Jordan, Utah. They even bought a whopping seventeen tickets in New York City. Or so they liberal media would have you think.
Fox News is exclusively reporting that these numbers are much lower than actual ticket sales. They point to pictures of enormous crowds of people waiting in line to see the DC showing. Critics say that the pictures are actually pictures from the Million Man March from ten years ago. Fox News refused to comment other than saying, “Some people say pictures don’t lie.”
Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page. -
Karl does his imitation of a rooster of a birth defect
In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage. Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently. Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the “Outrage Czar”, a newly created position within Murdoch’s companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.
Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task. However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge. “For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected,” Murdoch says. “We had groups of interns working around the clock on our ‘consistency squad.’ Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea. Forget it! We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama. We fired the ‘consistency squad’ then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts.”
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After Gov. Palin’s rambling, incoherent resignation speech, I began to wonder what it would have been like if she had given famous speeches throughout history. Here’s Part One: Gettysburg.
Hi Gettysburg. About eighty some odd years ago in the past, those brave forefathers of ours gave a precious gift to US. They gave (to us!) this amazing country of ours that we live and reside in, founded in God’s LIBERTY!! And also, it’s dedicated to the fact that all of us are created by God, who is so amazing, to be the same.
Right now, even as I stand here before you to speak, this great country of ours is wrapped up in a battle for Real Americans against people led by those chattering class intellectual elites who sit in their ivory towers and plan to try to destroy me.
Right here on this war zone, I stand READY to take those people on! I do this in the memory of our brave soldiers who fight and die to protect our freedoms, like the First Amendment, that guarantees me the ability to speak what I believe in my heart to be true without those in the press conducting a witch hunt of me and my financial transactions. And here at this site where brave men like my son Track fought and died for those hard-fought liberties that I and my children, who are here with me: Bristol, Willow, and Piper – say “Hi” kids!, enjoy so much since they live in this great country of ours.
