jimmywellington.com

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet

“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.

According to his friends, Justin Blake, a 22 year old temp from Sacramento, is a normal guy except for one strange quirk. Everytime he brings up his friend Steve, a high school buddy, he feels the need to quickly add “he’s not gay” immediately after saying that Steve lives in San Francisco.

“It’s the strangest thing,” says friend Keith Potter. “I mean, I think he’s homophobic. Evidently, he doesn’t want any of us to think that, heaven forbid, he has a friend that’s gay.”

When asked for comment, Justin said that he is not a homophobe. “I don’t know why I do it, I guess. It’s not something that I say on purpose, it just kind of comes out. I guess when I think of San Francisco, I think of gay people. It’s the whole stereotype thing I’m definitely not homophobic, I have a lot of friends that are gay.”

When asked how many friend Justin has that are gay, he appeared indecisive. “Well, for starters, there’s um…Jimmy…we worked at McDonalds together…and um….there’s….um….oh yeah! My good friend Kenny’s brother’s roommate is gay. He’s come over a couple of times, and I definitely consider him a friend.

We spoke with Justin’s “not gay” friend Steve by telephone, and he definitely added an interesting twist to the story. “Justin Blake? hmmm…oh, you’re talking about that guy that sat next to me in Trig class. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a friend, maybe more of an acquaintance. He forwards me some annoying emails from time to time, you know the ones that I’ve already gotten about 20 times already.”

Upon hearing of the reason that we were calling, Steve surprised us by saying, “Well the funny thing about that, is I actually am gay. I came out right after high school, before I moved to San Francisco. The reason I live here is because the best job offer I got out of school was at a company here. It’s not like I was thinking ‘man, since I’m gay, let me move where all the gay people are.’”

We called Keith back and told him what we had found out. “Wow, not if that’s not ironic, I don’t know what is. I don’t think I’ll tell Justin though, It would totally rock his world.”

An interesting aside to the story is that 99% of the time Justin talks about “his friend from San Francisco, who’s not gay” a listener immediately says “not that there’s anything wrong with that,” a line from the popular comedy series Seinfeld.