Jimmy Wellington

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

Guest Editor: Shirley Hopper, mom, writer for WTFN

So, with television being so important to our maturation, I am really upset that some people want Sesame Street to depict two people in a happy relationship. If they are just good friends, that is completely ok with me. But, to say that they love each other is a bridge too far. How dare this dangerous program teach our children that two men can care for each other? I have no problem with them having gay people on television. But in my day, gay people didn’t act normal. They wore bright patterns and flitted around the screen with limp wrists. Depicting gay people acting just like us is dangerous. What if my children thought that it was ok to be gay? What a nightmare, not that there’s anything wrong with that ;)

People have also been ignoring the obvious. A Bert and Ernie matrimony would not just thrust a gay couple deep within our childrens’ mind-hole, but an interracial gay couple! Have people forgotten that Ernie is obviously native American, and Bert is clearly Asian? (I hope Ernie doesn’t let Bert drive!)

Thank God Fox News is on the story. If 900 people are filling out an online petition, we clearly need to be worried. Nearly 38,000 people signed an online petition denouncing Jerry Falwell, and, only 6 years later, God struck him dead. To put in perspective how huge a deal it is that 900 people signed the Bert + Ernie = Homo petition, just think that in a typical household, there is 5 people. Then, add five more. You’re not done. You have to do that 160 times before you get to 900! Sorry for making your skin crawl.

Also, what if Bert and/or Ernie gets AIDS? Have you thought of that? Try explaining that to your kids. “How many t-cells does Bert have? 1 ah ah ah!” Try coming back from that, PBS.

I will stand up against Sesame Street making Bert and Ernie gay. Please come sign my onlinepetition. I’m not sure if we can make it to 900, but together we can do anything!

Please sign the petition at: http://www.petitiononline.com/bandegm/petition.html

(You can follow Shirley at http://twitter.com/#!/momagainstworld )

What does this guy know about gay genes?

Scientists at the Johnson Research Laboratory in Andover, NJ have discovered the gene that determines one’s sexual orientation. Later in the day, Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, announced that the party’s platform had changed to being pro-choice in certain conditions.

“You know, sometimes we make mistakes,” Priebus said. “We realized that the pro-choice people had some good points. As much as we would hope that people don’t choose to have an abortion, is it morally right to bring into the world a child who is destined to burn in hell?”

The latest change in policy comes in the midst of a Republican resurgence, in which newly elected lawmakers attempt to change laws to make government smaller. According to RNC spokesman Roger Ailes, “If government is not small, how can we insert it into women’s reproductive organs?”

Science ethicists disagree on the impact of the gay gene discovery. “There is no way to distinguish between ‘camps out for Kathy Griffin tickets’ gay and ‘dykes out for a semester in college’ gay,” says concerned ethicist Mark Devis, author of the popular column “Putting the Gene-y Back in the Bottle.”

This about-face on abortion restrictions is surprising because Republican state legislators have been proposing an increasingly stringent series of bills to limit a woman’s right to have an abortion. One such law slapped doctors with restraining orders that kept them from being within 100 yards of a fetus.