Jimmy Wellington

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

Guest Editor: Shirley Hopper, mom, writer for WTFN

So, with television being so important to our maturation, I am really upset that some people want Sesame Street to depict two people in a happy relationship. If they are just good friends, that is completely ok with me. But, to say that they love each other is a bridge too far. How dare this dangerous program teach our children that two men can care for each other? I have no problem with them having gay people on television. But in my day, gay people didn’t act normal. They wore bright patterns and flitted around the screen with limp wrists. Depicting gay people acting just like us is dangerous. What if my children thought that it was ok to be gay? What a nightmare, not that there’s anything wrong with that ;)

People have also been ignoring the obvious. A Bert and Ernie matrimony would not just thrust a gay couple deep within our childrens’ mind-hole, but an interracial gay couple! Have people forgotten that Ernie is obviously native American, and Bert is clearly Asian? (I hope Ernie doesn’t let Bert drive!)

Thank God Fox News is on the story. If 900 people are filling out an online petition, we clearly need to be worried. Nearly 38,000 people signed an online petition denouncing Jerry Falwell, and, only 6 years later, God struck him dead. To put in perspective how huge a deal it is that 900 people signed the Bert + Ernie = Homo petition, just think that in a typical household, there is 5 people. Then, add five more. You’re not done. You have to do that 160 times before you get to 900! Sorry for making your skin crawl.

Also, what if Bert and/or Ernie gets AIDS? Have you thought of that? Try explaining that to your kids. “How many t-cells does Bert have? 1 ah ah ah!” Try coming back from that, PBS.

I will stand up against Sesame Street making Bert and Ernie gay. Please come sign my onlinepetition. I’m not sure if we can make it to 900, but together we can do anything!

Please sign the petition at: http://www.petitiononline.com/bandegm/petition.html

(You can follow Shirley at http://twitter.com/#!/momagainstworld )

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the NY gay marriage bill.

Help!

Written by Jake Novak 

(San Francisco, CA) - The California State Supreme Court’s decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O’Donnell.

“Oh screw the fight for gay rights, if it could get me away from that loud-mouthed fat bitch, I’d vote for Jerry Falwell” said a jubilant Carpenter outside the New York City townhouse she shared with O’Donnell and their four adopted children. “I mean when we first met, I I thought she was kind of cute in a butch sort of way, and she bought me everything I ever wanted, but there’s butch and then there’s BUTCH. I’m a lesbian, but if I wanted to sleep with a Mack Truck, I would have stuck with my first boyfriend from 8th grade,” she added. 

Friends of the couple say Carpenter had been trying to get away from O’Donnell for years, but the failed talk show host and movie actress kept dragging her across the world on gay cruises and trips to political rallies. 

“The time just never seemed right,” said one friend who wanted her name kept secret to avoid being attacked, or eaten, by O’Donnell. “I mean when you’re at some rally talking about how lesbians deserve marriage rights, it’s pretty hard to just walk out,” she added. 

The scenario must seem eerily familiar to O’Donnell, who also saw her magazine publisher walk out on her shortly after she publicly announced she was gay. O’Donnell won a lawsuit in connection with that incident, but legal experts think Carpenter will do better if she’s ever forced into court. 

“I think any jury would immediately side with Carpenter in any trial,” said CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, “once 12 decent Americans see what Carpenter had to live and SLEEP with for six years… well, there won’t be enough money in the U.S. Treasury to cover the kind of settlement she’d get,” he added. “I suggest O’Donnell just give Carpenter half her cash or else risk having the whole world hear about what her underwear smells like after sitting through three acts of ‘Phantom of the Opera.’ 

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