Jimmy Wellington

He listens to George Clinton too

President Obama raised many eyebrows in the American and Jewish media Thursday by saying a starting point for Israeli-Palestinian negotiations must start with the 1967 borders, a position shared by George W. Bush. He did, however, go one major step further than his predecessor and make this suggestion while black.

The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.

Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.

World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.

“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”

House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.

Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.

Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.

They’re always after me lucky bombs!

As more and more Americans hear about the plans to build a mosque on the hallowed, sanctified ground where the World Trade Center towers once stood, many become outraged and want to do something to stop it.

Every day since conservative commentators have made this story among the most talked about nationwide, throngs of protesters have descended upon lower Manhattan, many carrying signs, most surprisingly grammatically correct, that question the wisdom of building an Islamic place of worship so close to the site of the worst terrorist attack in American history. The number of protesters who arrive at the site is much smaller than the number who intend on protesting, according to opponents of the building.

You see, many of these patriots are traveling to “Ground Zero” and cannot locate the proposed building site.

“It’s easy to find Ground Zero, but we weren’t sure on what side of Ground Zero this travesty is being planned,” said Russell Garrison, factory worker and Glenn Beck viewer, who journeyed from Ohio to protest the construction. “We heard that they already had a giant Batman-like light that projected a giant star and crescent into the night sky, but we couldn’t see anything like that.”

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6. Glenn Beck – I’m becoming increasingly convinced that Glenn Beck is Stephen Colbert without the winking nod, an Andy Kaufman for our time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to pretend that he believes what he says, and is either out to make money off of dupes or is the greatest IRL troll of our generation.

For the time being, I’m going to go along with the notion that he’s serious. His inclusion on the list represents not only him, but other talk radio and Fox News personalities, like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter – The Axis of Idiocy.

A problem arises because it’s difficult to put these people into the same category. For example, I think Sean Hannity truly believes what he says. He has had brain surgery to turn off the part of his brain that stops your mouth from moving when you know you’re saying something that makes no sense. Ann Coulter, however, says whatever she feels will cause the most controversy and make her the most money. The level of idiocy is comparable, but the intent is different. But, even with all this competition, Glenn Beck has emerged as the group’s Cryer-in-Chief.

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Fox News depiction of people in line for Beck movie premiere

This week, you could go anywhere without seeing advertisements for Glenn Beck’s movie “The Christmas Sweater.” In fact, if you don’t watch Fox News or listen to Beck’s radio show, it’s likely that you had no idea that the controversial talk show host and frequent saline producer even had a movie coming out. Beck’s two hour and fifteen minute motion picture debut played in hundreds of theaters throughout the country on Thursday night, and his fans were pumped!  So pumped, that they bought ninety-four out of a possible one-hundred ninety-three tickets in Rockwall, Texas.  They bought one-hundred seventy tickets in West Jordan, Utah.  They even bought a whopping seventeen tickets in New York City. Or so they liberal media would have you think.

Fox News is exclusively reporting that these numbers are much lower than actual ticket sales. They point to pictures of enormous crowds of people waiting in line to see the DC showing. Critics say that the pictures are actually pictures from the Million Man March from ten years ago. Fox News refused to comment other than saying, “Some people say pictures don’t lie.”

Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page.

That’s the spirit!

Not satisfied with their efforts to, as they put it, “teabag the whitehouse,” conservatives upset with President Barack Obama’s policies have devised a new strategy to garner media attention: donkey punching.

On April 15^th, many people held “Tea Parties,” where they gathered, waved signs that made anyone associated with the English language cringe, and talked of teabagging.  Some carried signs such as “Teabag the Liberal Dems Before They Teabag You!”  Others planned on dumping large amounts of tea into bodies of water to replicate the Boston Tea Party and provide a little taste of home to any fish that had migrated from English waters and were missing a bit of the ole’ Earl Grey.  Unfortunately, park police told the protestors that dumping tea in the water was not allowed.  “Just another example of how the government regulators are keeping us down,” said protestor Harry Larrimore.  “Imagine if our founding fathers had to deal with this level of regulation! They would have been stuck signing forms and getting permits instead of protesting.”

These teabagging parties received much coverage in the press, although much of it has been focused on the name they chose for their protesting activity. Apparently unbeknownst to the teabaggers, the name they chose to call themselves doubles as a reference to a sex act.  Because of this, much of the media has lampooned their protests, and the teabaggers feel their message is not getting through.

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Karl Rove follows Beck’s lead

BREAKING:

President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news.  The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck’s ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers.  This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man.  Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals.  Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.

When the President decided to host the “Beer Summit” at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, “just a few guys having a beer and talking.”  But the responsible media knew the truth.  This was big.  Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.

The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further.  “It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama,” said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee.

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