Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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Reposted to celebrate the announced return of 24
You guys are so dead
Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn’t smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare’s customer service line to find out why her application was declined.
“They said something about a Jack Bauer or something,” says Jackson. “I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don’t know any Jack Bauer…oh wait…I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, ‘This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!’ I think he said something about running out of time. That’s the only time I’ve ever been close to the man, so I don’t know what’s going on here.”
Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a “pre-existing condition.” Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.
John Clark, spokesperson for United Healthcare would not return our calls, but faxed a prepared statement:
“Our heart goes out to each and every person to whom we have to deny coverage. The unfortunate reality is that we cannot accept high-risk patients, because the money we spend on their treatment severely lowers the level of care we can offer our other patients. Look at the record, Jack Bauer has lost nearly every partner he has ever had. Those who do not die become a criminal, which obviously increases the risk of a major health claim. Meeting Jack Bauer is only slightly safer than skydiving without a parachute. -
You guys are SO dead
“They said something about a Jack Bauer or something,” says Jackson. “I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don’t know any Jack Bauer…oh wait…I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, ‘This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!’ I think he said something about running out of time. That’s the only time I’ve ever been close to the man, so I don’t know what’s going on here.”
Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a “pre-existing condition.” Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.
John Clark, spokesperson for United Healthcare would not return our calls, but faxed a prepared statement:
“Our heart goes out to each and every person to whom we have to deny coverage. The unfortunate reality is that we cannot accept high-risk patients, because the money we spend on their treatment severely lowers the level of care we can offer our other patients. Look at the record, Jack Bauer has lost nearly every partner he has ever had. Those who do not die become a criminal, which obviously increases the risk of a major health claim. Meeting Jack Bauer is only slightly safer than skydiving without a parachute.
“Often, people who witness Jack Bauer’s activities but do not come into direct contact with him come across a vital piece of evidence without realizing it. This inevitably leads to them being tortured by power tools - probably the new Black and Decker circular saw that’s coming out in the spring if the rumored sponsorship deal with Fox goes through. Power tool inflicted wounds are very expensive to treat so it is unfair for people to expect it to be included in their coverage.
“When Jack Bauer encounters gunfire, an amazing phenomenon occurs. He seems to have a natural ability to repel bullets; however, the unintended consequence is that those bullets hit other people in greater numbers. We can offer temporary policies to people close to him, but only if they play a major part in his current investigation and only for the first twelve hours of that day’s case.” -
Don’t worry. In a few seconds all that annoying blood spatter will go away
After months of rancorous debate, the health care reform process seems destined for failure. Senate Republicans are united in their opposition of any type of reform bill and Senate Democrats regret their decision to reconcile with Senator Joe Lieberman. However, a meeting of top Senate Democrats took place behind closed doors late last night, and, according to an anonymous source, a compromise was reached that may bring affordable health care reform to everyone. Better yet, it’s amazingly simple. In short: Single Player Health Care.
The Senators have decided to incorporate the fast healing technology seen in the popular video game “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.” In the game, as long as the soldier is able to duck behind cover for several seconds, he completely heals. Our source says, “The Senators were so excited when they saw the footage. It didn’t matter if it was a gunshot wound or shrapnel from a grenade, fifteen seconds max and they were good as new.”
Others are not convinced. “Granted, Modern Warfare 2 is an amazingly realistic replication of current warfare and weaponry, but I don’t think the healing mechanism in the game is accurate,” says ER doctor Ben Daxon. “Just because we base our financial system on fantasy doesn’t mean that will work with all fields.” -
Today’s political environment is dominated with extreme rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Talk of FEMA concentration camps, death panels, and a second hour of Glenn Beck are scaring naïve listeners. But there is one group who is not only not scared by these scare tactics, they are giddy with excitement.
Jenna is a budding abortion enthusiast and college student. “I am just so excited about the government funded abortions they say will be available when health care reform passes,” she says. “I’d been waiting for so long to finally experience an abortion, and I’m psyched that it will finally be affordable.”
Jenna says her sister, Jamie, has already had four abortions, and says she’s not done yet. “I only need one more for my punchcard, then I’ll get one free abortion with an equal or lesser priced invasive medical procedure,” Jamie says. “With offers like that I’d be a fool not to get pregnant again. The seats in the waiting room are really comfy too.”
Unfortunately, abortion aficionados may be in for a letdown. Conservative Democrat Bart Stupek has introduced the “Stupak Amendment,” which would prohibit anyone receiving federal subsidies for health care, the majority of Americans under current health care reform plans, from being able to choose a health care plan that covers abortions. -
He’s tweeting out of frame.
Ted Kennedy was laid to rest today, and President Barack Obama provided a stirring eulogy, which focused on one of the late Senator’s dying wishes for America. Obama spoke at length of Kennedy’s desire that everyone, both rich and poor, from both upper and lower classes, of all races, had access to quality social networking sites.
“To paraphrase his brother Jack,” Obama said, “Ask not what Facebook can do for you; ask what you can do for Facebook. You say the quizzes are boring? What are you doing to make them better?”
Kennedy believed that all Americans had an inherent right to share the minutiae of their lives with the world. He pointed to programs in other countries that provided Facebook accounts and internet access to all their citizens, something lacking in the United States.
When people who say they don’t need a Facebook account have an extreme emotional event or ordeal in their lives that they need to share with friends online, they are often too emotionally frazzled to set up an account, figure out how the site works, find friends and connect with them. Someone has to help out, creating a sort of “emergency room” environment which isn’t good for anyone. -
Would you have this man killed by amateurs?
Information has recently surfaced linking lobbying groups such as Freedom Works to sites that promote “grassroots” support for protestors seeking to “break up” town hall meetings about health care reform. Media outlets in the left, such as The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, have been investigating connections between these seemingly spontaneous supports of anger and lobbying firms which appear to be funding them. Today, there was a new and surprising development in the investigation. Sources indictate that a lobbying firm, Totally Transparent and Honest Citizens for Change, has been producing radio and television advertisements describing health care reform as “a secret plot to kill old people,” as Maddow often desribes such scare tactics.
Political advertisements are often funded by special interest groups, so the discovery that TTHCC is producing these advertisements is not shocking, or even surprising. However, it is the special interest group that hired the firm that is the story. The firm was hired by the small yet powerful Serial Killers of the Elderly lobby.
“For months, we didn’t have an opinion on health care,” said a member who did not want to be identified. “We’re kind of a single interest voting block. Anything that doesn’t infringe upon our ability to kill people over the age of 65 is all right by us.”
