Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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Reposted to celebrate the announced return of 24
You guys are so dead
Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn’t smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare’s customer service line to find out why her application was declined.
“They said something about a Jack Bauer or something,” says Jackson. “I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don’t know any Jack Bauer…oh wait…I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, ‘This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!’ I think he said something about running out of time. That’s the only time I’ve ever been close to the man, so I don’t know what’s going on here.”
Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a “pre-existing condition.” Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.
John Clark, spokesperson for United Healthcare would not return our calls, but faxed a prepared statement:
“Our heart goes out to each and every person to whom we have to deny coverage. The unfortunate reality is that we cannot accept high-risk patients, because the money we spend on their treatment severely lowers the level of care we can offer our other patients. Look at the record, Jack Bauer has lost nearly every partner he has ever had. Those who do not die become a criminal, which obviously increases the risk of a major health claim. Meeting Jack Bauer is only slightly safer than skydiving without a parachute. -
You guys are SO dead
“They said something about a Jack Bauer or something,” says Jackson. “I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don’t know any Jack Bauer…oh wait…I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, ‘This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!’ I think he said something about running out of time. That’s the only time I’ve ever been close to the man, so I don’t know what’s going on here.”
Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a “pre-existing condition.” Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.
John Clark, spokesperson for United Healthcare would not return our calls, but faxed a prepared statement:
“Our heart goes out to each and every person to whom we have to deny coverage. The unfortunate reality is that we cannot accept high-risk patients, because the money we spend on their treatment severely lowers the level of care we can offer our other patients. Look at the record, Jack Bauer has lost nearly every partner he has ever had. Those who do not die become a criminal, which obviously increases the risk of a major health claim. Meeting Jack Bauer is only slightly safer than skydiving without a parachute.
“Often, people who witness Jack Bauer’s activities but do not come into direct contact with him come across a vital piece of evidence without realizing it. This inevitably leads to them being tortured by power tools - probably the new Black and Decker circular saw that’s coming out in the spring if the rumored sponsorship deal with Fox goes through. Power tool inflicted wounds are very expensive to treat so it is unfair for people to expect it to be included in their coverage.
“When Jack Bauer encounters gunfire, an amazing phenomenon occurs. He seems to have a natural ability to repel bullets; however, the unintended consequence is that those bullets hit other people in greater numbers. We can offer temporary policies to people close to him, but only if they play a major part in his current investigation and only for the first twelve hours of that day’s case.” -
5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in thebeginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.
Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let’s take a look at the abbreviated timeline:
Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: “Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?”
Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: “Go get those WMDs!” later amended to “Saddam is a bad man” later amended to “You’ll take our democracy if you know what’s good for you!”
Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.
Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: “Oh, hell no!” -
Don’t worry. In a few seconds all that annoying blood spatter will go away
After months of rancorous debate, the health care reform process seems destined for failure. Senate Republicans are united in their opposition of any type of reform bill and Senate Democrats regret their decision to reconcile with Senator Joe Lieberman. However, a meeting of top Senate Democrats took place behind closed doors late last night, and, according to an anonymous source, a compromise was reached that may bring affordable health care reform to everyone. Better yet, it’s amazingly simple. In short: Single Player Health Care.
The Senators have decided to incorporate the fast healing technology seen in the popular video game “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.” In the game, as long as the soldier is able to duck behind cover for several seconds, he completely heals. Our source says, “The Senators were so excited when they saw the footage. It didn’t matter if it was a gunshot wound or shrapnel from a grenade, fifteen seconds max and they were good as new.”
Others are not convinced. “Granted, Modern Warfare 2 is an amazingly realistic replication of current warfare and weaponry, but I don’t think the healing mechanism in the game is accurate,” says ER doctor Ben Daxon. “Just because we base our financial system on fantasy doesn’t mean that will work with all fields.” -
Is that just a cigar or are you trying to tell us something?
Since the dawn of language, people have used metaphors to describe concepts that are hard to understand. In our modern political climate, those on the right have eschewed the soaring oratory of their predecessors for more vulgar sexual terminology. Take, for instance, the following quotes. (Ed. Note, all four are actual quotes).
“People in New York, you’re being raped by your government — raped.” – Glenn Beck, November 19th.
“We are — excuse this analogy, but I feel like it’s true — we’re the young girl saying “No, no, help me,” and the government is Roman Polanski.” – Glenn Beck, November 16th.
“Obama ordered his “pay czar” to “rape” bailed out executives.” – Rush Limbaugh, October 22.
“Get ready to get gang-raped again, folks.” – Rush Limbaugh, June 24th.
