jimmywellington.com

Editor’s Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.

When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska’s top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network’s stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.

But she's so pretty!

However, Palin’s decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.

Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers’ pieces on her Facebook page.

Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy.

2. Jon and Kate – As I mentioned in #4, I hate reality television. Nobody cares about the people involved in the shows; the only concern is ratings. It is not often that child abuse is shown on national television, but TLC decided to bravely forge ahead with a new era of exploitation. For starters, there is a reason that humans very rarely have a large number of children at one time. Before having a large number of children at one time meant getting your own reality show, there was no way to financially support such a suddenly large family unless you were very wealthy. It is irresponsible and completely unfair to the children to choose to have such a large number of children at one time.

According to all sources I could find, the couple used an artificial fertility method because of a fertility problem with one of them. They didn’t plan on having six children, but when they found out that’s what was going to happen, the reportedly said, “no way!” to reduction. This is hypocrisy at its finest. Going against God, nature, or whatever you want to call it to become pregnant: Completely acceptable. Limiting the number of children: Completely unacceptable. You don’t get to have it both ways; you’re playing God. (more…)

In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage.  Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently.  Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the “Outrage Czar”, a newly created position within Murdoch’s companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.

Karl does his imitation of a rooster with a birth defect

Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task.  However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge.  “For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected,” Murdoch says.  “We had groups of interns working around the clock on our ‘consistency squad.’  Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea.  Forget it!  We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama.  We fired the ‘consistency squad’ then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts.”

Rove explains, “The American people, our viewers especially, have a very short memory, especially for boring things like politics.  They can’t and won’t follow a long argument about the moral and ethical consequences of enhanced interrogation, but they can follow snappy sound bites like ‘torture works and is totally awesome!’  I just took that simplicity and applied it to Obama.  It’s a very simple formula: ‘Obama did something today, here’s how his actions today are destroying America.’”

Some people are concerned America has a finite source of outrage.  Rove disagrees, stating that outrage is a renewable resource and is simply replenished by a night’s sleep.  Murdoch agrees.  “Karl’s strategy is both simple and brilliant.  Obama does something every day.  With our vast panel of paid experts, we can always find someone to explain how his actions are leading us towards socialism.  One day, an intern accidently wrote ‘fascist’ instead of ‘socialist’ on the graphic and we learned another interesting thing.  None of our viewers know the difference.”

In a news conference Monday, noted religious leader Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the act of masturbation violates the 6th Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”. In his prepared statement, the Reverend Falwell declared: “Every time a person ejaculates from masturbation, millions of sperm cells are released, each one representing a possible human life. Hence, one act of self gratification is the equivalent of over a million counts of murder!” After making his statement, Rev. Falwell opened the floor to questions from the gathered throng of reporters. Here is an excerpt:

Jerry Miller: New York Times – “Rev. Falwell, does this statement hold true to females that masturbate?

Rev. Falwell – “It is my understanding that women do not masturbate. Now I cannot say that I have knowledge of the female ‘naughty region’, as I call it, so I’m not qualified to answer your question, but I will anyway. It is murder!

Jim Lewis: San Francisco Examiner – “So can you honestly say that you’ve never masturbated?”

Rev. Falwell – “Before I heard the call of the Lord, I did indulge in this sinful and impure act on a few isolated occasions. But Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior has cleansed my soul of all transgressions! Praise be to God!”

Shelley Walters: Chicago Union Tribune – “If a woman performs the act of masturbation on a man, like a handjob, should she be considered an accessory to the crime, or the actual perpetrator?”

Rev. Falwell – “I would consider both of them to be guilty in the eyes of our Lord. In all of these cases, there is no degree of guilt, no “gray areas” if you will. They are sinners, and they will burn in hell for the rest of time! They must repent! Turn away from their sinful behavior, and our Lord will accept them with open arms!”

Jeremy Killington: Jacksonville Gazette – “What about the process of nocturnal emissions, also known as wet dreams? You can’t really blame someone for something beyond their control, can you?”

Rev. Falwell – “Well, if there are no more questions, thank you for your time. God bless you all.”

In an attempt to help teenagers avoid the temptation to masturbate, Falwell has funded a program to have sheets of sandpaper implanted into their hands. This way, the act will become something painful and undesirable, and after a period of time the implants can be removed, with no danger of the subject ever wanting to play with themselves again. The Reverend estimates that if his procedures are implemented, our country could be masturbation-free in less than three years.