jimmywellington.com

Julia Walters, a 19 year old intern at Johnson & Kelter Law Firm was brutally beaten to death by co-workers yesterday, after she deleted the internet while trying to print a document. Police were aghast at the horrific scene that they encountered upon their arrival, with one officer calling it “the most ghastly crime scene I’ve ever witnessed.” When company employees quickly told the officers what Miss Walters had done, the atmosphere quickly changed, as the men in blue “looked away” so her outraged co-workers could get a few last good kicks in.

“She erased the fucking internet! Now what the hell am I going to do at work?” J&K employee Jonathan Frampton shouted hysterically. “The only reason I can make it through the workday without going psycho is the ability to check out anime porn and the latest news on the new Pokemon Movie! Now I actually have to work? Fuck that!” Frampton then unleashed a blood-curdling roar and leapt out his 30th floor window.

Police have announced that they will not bring any charges against the 25 or so men and women that participated in the homicide and subsequent mutilation. “Where are we going to find 12 jurors that will convict these people? They’re heroes if you ask me”, stated a spokesperson for the Detroit district attorney’s office.

Julia’s parents were not surprised to hear of the tragic demise of their daughter. Mother Jill explains: “Julia’s always been kind of awkward, the kind of girl that would mess things up all the time, never on purpose mind you, but she was always fucking something up.” Jill then recalled the time that Julia found her mother’s diaphragm and poked a tiny hole in it, directly leading to the existence of her 15 year old brother Kyle.

Kyle agreed to speak with us, sharing this about his older sister: “So THAT’S why they always called me ‘oops’… Interesting… Oh yeah, Julia. One time she ‘accidentally’ erased the Playboy channel from our TV, boy was I pissed about that.”

Other companies in the area are conducting fundraisers, hoping to raise enough money to purchase a new copy of the internet for the law firm. Unfortunately, nobody has found out how much a new internet costs.

Bill Jefferson, the CEO of E-Bay, the world famous internet auction site, has announced plans to sell the company on its own service. Inside sources state that the auction could be the biggest in E-Bay’s history, because the company has a virtual monopoly on internet auction activity. The site attracts millions of customers a month and features a wide variety of goods and services available to the highest bidder.

The site took only a short while to catch on when it first started in 1995, growing to its current status today, undisputedly one of the top 3 auction companies in the entire world. The fact that anybody with internet access can log on and get started right away is a major reason for the popularity of the site. Another major reason has to do with the Biretto crime family having a large investment in the company. They tend to “discourage” any other companies from trying to gain a foothold in the online auction community.

When asked what his plans were following the sale of his lucrative company, Mr. Jefferson said that he doesn’t actually plan to give up control of his company. He plans to pocket the cash without delivering the product. “It might knock down my seller rating a few notches, but it’s a shitload of free money! Plus, I’ll just blame everything on Martha Stewart!”