Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
-
Reposted to celebrate the announced return of 24
You guys are so dead
Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn’t smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare’s customer service line to find out why her application was declined.
“They said something about a Jack Bauer or something,” says Jackson. “I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don’t know any Jack Bauer…oh wait…I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, ‘This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!’ I think he said something about running out of time. That’s the only time I’ve ever been close to the man, so I don’t know what’s going on here.”
Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a “pre-existing condition.” Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.
John Clark, spokesperson for United Healthcare would not return our calls, but faxed a prepared statement:
“Our heart goes out to each and every person to whom we have to deny coverage. The unfortunate reality is that we cannot accept high-risk patients, because the money we spend on their treatment severely lowers the level of care we can offer our other patients. Look at the record, Jack Bauer has lost nearly every partner he has ever had. Those who do not die become a criminal, which obviously increases the risk of a major health claim. Meeting Jack Bauer is only slightly safer than skydiving without a parachute. -
You guys are SO dead
“They said something about a Jack Bauer or something,” says Jackson. “I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don’t know any Jack Bauer…oh wait…I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, ‘This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!’ I think he said something about running out of time. That’s the only time I’ve ever been close to the man, so I don’t know what’s going on here.”
Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a “pre-existing condition.” Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.
John Clark, spokesperson for United Healthcare would not return our calls, but faxed a prepared statement:
“Our heart goes out to each and every person to whom we have to deny coverage. The unfortunate reality is that we cannot accept high-risk patients, because the money we spend on their treatment severely lowers the level of care we can offer our other patients. Look at the record, Jack Bauer has lost nearly every partner he has ever had. Those who do not die become a criminal, which obviously increases the risk of a major health claim. Meeting Jack Bauer is only slightly safer than skydiving without a parachute.
“Often, people who witness Jack Bauer’s activities but do not come into direct contact with him come across a vital piece of evidence without realizing it. This inevitably leads to them being tortured by power tools - probably the new Black and Decker circular saw that’s coming out in the spring if the rumored sponsorship deal with Fox goes through. Power tool inflicted wounds are very expensive to treat so it is unfair for people to expect it to be included in their coverage.
“When Jack Bauer encounters gunfire, an amazing phenomenon occurs. He seems to have a natural ability to repel bullets; however, the unintended consequence is that those bullets hit other people in greater numbers. We can offer temporary policies to people close to him, but only if they play a major part in his current investigation and only for the first twelve hours of that day’s case.”
