The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”
The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.
“You don’t see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”
1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.
Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. “Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?” Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson’s nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won’t someone think of the children?
What is our societal fascination with promoting idiocy? Bad behavior is something to be ridiculed, not rewarded. This show’s presence on television, much less with regular viewers, tells one all they need to know about our society. Admit it, doesn’t the fact that this show even exists make you ashamed to be an American? It should. One of their “names” is “The Situation.” While I have to admit I’m impressed that he knows a four syllable word, why would anyone choose to call themselves “The Situation.” From now on, I want you to refer to me as “The Circumstances.”
I want to be perfectly clear: I do not condone nor advocate violence towards women. But be honest, didn’t watching Snooki (typing that name is the low point in my fake journalism career) get punched in the face make you feel some kind of positive emotion? It’s like an internal struggle between knowing something is unacceptable and somehow rooting for it to happen, like my entire-movie-long wish for the cameraman to die a horrible death in Cloverfield. It is a tribute to the level of disgust I have towards all people involved in this show that I could even momentarily think “awesome!” when seeing a woman get punched in the face. That’s just plain sad.
Come back tomorrow for honorable mentions!
4. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant – Anyone who knows me knows that I hate reality television. The original concept was intriguing, but it quickly became apparent that “reality” television was just improv using untrained actors who moonlight as horrible human beings. Most shows have devolved into a game of constant one-upmanship: How many douchebags can we fit in a house, and how much prodding do they need to act like assholes? I’m not interested in that, as I can just go down to a club at the Jersey Shore if I want to see that. Oh wait…
In addition to the tried-and-true method of confined douchebag assembly, a newer variation of reality shows have emerged, focused on extreme situations. In the same way that paterntiy suit participants on the Maury Povich Show have increased the reliability of their claims (I think the current standard is “I am 10,000% sure that ain’t my baby!”), these shows have become more and more ridiculous. This year’s “Ow! My Balls!” award for most ridiculous reality show goes to our number four entry: “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”