Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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These boobs were made for ogling
Written by Jake Novak
Country icon Dolly Parton’s plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation’s Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.
“This is way worse than stem cell research,” said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, “I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now.”
Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.
“We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway,” said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, “you can bet I’ll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this.”
Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16’s on alert.
“They’ll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President’s order,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.
