jimmywellington.com

Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.

It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign. (more…)

As more oil continues to spew into the Gulf of Mexico, pressure has mounted on President Obama to respond more boldly to the disaster. After being criticized for his supposed lack of response to the oil leak, yesterday the President said, “I don’t sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.”  This show of anger would have worked very well last week, when Republicans were complaining about non-emotional response to the leak, but his statement played into this week’s message: “The President is too angry.” The theme started shortly after Obama made this statement.

For some reason, he walked backwards into the water

After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.

The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously. (more…)

BREAKING:

President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news.  The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck’s ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers.  This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man.  Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals.  Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.

Karl Rove Follows Beck's Lead

When the President decided to host the “Beer Summit” at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, “just a few guys having a beer and talking.”  But the responsible media knew the truth.  This was big.  Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.

The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further.  “It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama,” said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee. (more…)

For all 3 of you who were waiting for this, here ya go!  The anthem of the teabaggers.

http://jimmywellington.com/obamasong2.mp3

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She’s telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

This is not the country I know
I thought we all were meant to get our say
Our Founding Fathers must be wond’ring
Since when’s Hawaii a state anyway?

We aired our grievances at town halls
Called our representative a whore
We wouldn’t listen to their answers
We just shouted shouted ’til we passed out on the floor

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

We all should have seen this coming
But Obama’s halo blinded us
We all wanted hope and change
Instead my dear Grandma was turned to dust

It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
In fact we can’t say “Christmas” anymore
Please find a hiding place for Grandpa
Obama’s jackboot thugs are at the door

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

But as for Michelle Bachmann, she believes.

But as for Sarah Palin, she believes.

While Barack Obama’s speech to America’s children has been written about in newspapers and discusses on news commentary shows, a Morristown man has been trying to raise awareness of an issue he feels is even more important.

The Qu'ran is in here, I just know it!

“I’m not one of those crazy folk who thinks that Barack Obama is going to come out and openly attempt to indoctrinate our children with his Muslim socialist fascist views,” said Kyle Newton, a parent.  “I think that he, and people like him, are going to be much more subtle.”

Newton believes he has figured it out, thanks to a tip from a friend, who was taking a world religion course at a local community college.

“He was telling me all about the different contributions that the arabs have made to our culture,” Newton said.  “He’s a nice guy, so I figured I’d humor him and pretend to be interested.  I could hardly hide my shock when he told me that the arabs invented algebra.  I thought I had to turn to a reliable source before I believed that nonsense.”

After looking on Wikipedia, Newton says he was convinced.  (more…)

(to the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”)

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Save Granny!

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us
With a nod, a smile and wink
But thanks toCharlie’s gotcha questions
Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She’s telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. (more…)