Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the debt ceiling crisis.
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President Obama thinks of more things to rename
After another day of discussions to increase the debt ceiling and avoid the United States from defaulting on its debt obligation for the first time in its history, President Obama decided that he would have to “break out the big guns.”
“They say that you should learn from your enemies,” said Mr. Obama. “I realized that I needed to stop trying to convince the Republicans to do what was best for the country and start framing the discussion so that we could attack the GOP during the next elections cycle.”
“I used to think that acting in the best interest of our nation’s citizens was the goal,” he continued. “Thankfully, I realized that winning political points comes before paying our fucking bills.”
In order to achieve his new goal, the president has decided to simply rename the “debt ceiling” to the more politically helpful “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level.”
“If you don’t act like goddamned grownups,” he warned, “We will run ad after ad in 2012 that says you refused to increase the Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to explain how I voted against that.”
While he’s renaming things, Mr. Obama announced that “ObamaCare” will be renamed “FreedomCare,” “Immigration Reform” will be renamed “The Sanctity of Marriage Act,” and “Taxing the Rich” will be called “Justice for Caylee Anthony.”
“Have you seen Facebook?” Obama said. “Vote against the ‘Justice for Caylee Anthony Act.’ I dare you.” -
Enjoy Part 3 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel. If you like it, don’t keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!
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He listens to George Clinton too
President Obama raised many eyebrows in the American and Jewish media Thursday by saying a starting point for Israeli-Palestinian negotiations must start with the 1967 borders, a position shared by George W. Bush. He did, however, go one major step further than his predecessor and make this suggestion while black.
The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.
Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.
World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.
“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”
House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.
Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.
Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page. -
Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting.
Marilyn Davenport, an Orange County Republican Party official, thought it would be a good idea to send a funny email to several of her friends. The email featured a picture of three monkeys posed as if to take a family picture. President Obama’s face is superimposed on the smallest monkey’s face, leading many to call the email racist, or at the very least the most ill-advised political email sent since President Clinton clicked send on the “Re:Cigar afficianado” email. President Obama has finally had enough and released a statement saying that the poor picture quality is deeply offensive.
“C’mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”
Some have leapt to Davenport’s defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.
Davenport’s email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.
Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.
“I don’t know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn’t even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.” -
That’s gonna leave a mark
As Friday, April 1st progresses, an increasingly agitated and alarmed Obama administration is frantically trying to convince the public that an asteroid is heading towards Earth, and people need to act quickly to avoid the annihilation of the human race.
The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet’s surface.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It’s the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens.”
Ross’s excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool’s Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one’s friends and family into believing lies.
Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.
“I waited until Jim had told me about the asteroid,” said Nate Wilson, Ross’s immediate supervisor. “Then, I waited ten seconds after screaming and cursing in surprise. When he didn’t say ‘April Fools!’ I began to think he might be serious.”
Once the President learned of the potential impact, he acted quickly to warn Congress. -
It’s just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?
Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”
This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke theMichelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign. -
For some reason, he walked backwards into the water
As more oil continues to spew into the Gulf of Mexico, pressure has mounted on President Obama to respond more boldly to the disaster. After being criticized for his supposed lack of response to the oil leak, yesterday the President said, “I don’t sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.”
This show of anger would have worked very well last week, when Republicans were complaining about non-emotional response to the leak, but his statement played into this week’s message: “The President is too angry.” The theme started shortly after Obama made this statement.
After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.
The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously. -
Karl Rove follows Beck’s lead
BREAKING:
President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news. The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck’s ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers. This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man. Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals. Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.When the President decided to host the “Beer Summit” at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, “just a few guys having a beer and talking.” But the responsible media knew the truth. This was big. Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.
The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further. “It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama,” said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee. -
The Qu’ran is in here, I just know it!
While Barack Obama’s speech to America’s children has been written about in newspapers and discusses on news commentary shows, a Morristown man has been trying to raise awareness of an issue he feels is even more important.
“I’m not one of those crazy folk who thinks that Barack Obama is going to come out and openly attempt to indoctrinate our children with his Muslim socialist fascist views,” said Kyle Newton, a parent. “I think that he, and people like him, are going to be much more subtle.”
Newton believes he has figured it out, thanks to a tip from a friend, who was taking a world religion course at a local community college.
“He was telling me all about the different contributions that the arabs have made to our culture,” Newton said. “He’s a nice guy, so I figured I’d humor him and pretend to be interested. I could hardly hide my shock when he told me that the arabs invented algebra. I thought I had to turn to a reliable source before I believed that nonsense.”
