Test: is this an acceptable celebration?
After condemning celebrations by American snowboarders and Canadian hockey players, the International Olympic Committee is taking a hard look at excessive celebrating by medal winners. Saying such excessive celebrations lack the decorum and propriety which should accompany the fruition of four years of grueling training and countless competitions, the group is working on a list of acceptable celebrations for future winners.
The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.
To: Olympic Athletes
Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes
As of today, Olympic athletes may not:
1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler.
Acceptable Substitutes – A nice handshake; a bow (although only if you’re from an Asian country, otherwise it may be offensive; A hug, although it must be between members of the opposite sex and there must be no meeting of the genital region;
Related banned celebrations – Fist bump (promotes terrorism per Fox News)
Maybe we can pawn the rings for crack!
Written by Jake Novak
After a week of putting its best foot forward for the 2012 Summer Games Olympic Search Committee, New York City is letting its guard down and allowing its more embarrassing elements, like homeless people and the Knicks, to return.
“Well, we didn’t want the IOC to see a bunch of bums on the streets, and we also didn’t want them to notice the homeless people either,” said Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a news conference after leaving the Olympic search team off at JFK Airport. “And it’s a good thing the Oscars are this weekend, because that helped most of our abusive celebrities decide to spend the whole week in L.A.,” he added.
City Hall officials admitted to a well-planned effort to get the homeless and the Knicks players out of the search committee’s view.
“Well, with the homeless we just gave them all a bottle of malt liquor and bus ticket to Scranton. The Knicks were a little trickier, until we found out we could get them to scatter simply by telling them they were all about to be served with paternity suits,” said Deputy Mayor Dan Doctoroff. “Man, you should have seen those players run like hell when we brought that lawyer into the locker room.”