Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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That’s the spirit!
Not satisfied with their efforts to, as they put it, “teabag the whitehouse,” conservatives upset with President Barack Obama’s policies have devised a new strategy to garner media attention: donkey punching.
On April 15th, many people held “Tea Parties,” where they gathered, waved signs that made anyone associated with the English language cringe, and talked of teabagging. Some carried signs such as “Teabag the Liberal Dems Before They Teabag You!” Others planned on dumping large amounts of tea into bodies of water to replicate the Boston Tea Party and provide a little taste of home to any fish that had migrated from English waters and were missing a bit of the ole’ Earl Grey. Unfortunately, park police told the protestors that dumping tea in the water was not allowed. “Just another example of how the government regulators are keeping us down,” said protestor Harry Larrimore. “Imagine if our founding fathers had to deal with this level of regulation! They would have been stuck signing forms and getting permits instead of protesting.”
These teabagging parties received much coverage in the press, although much of it has been focused on the name they chose for their protesting activity. Apparently unbeknownst to the teabaggers, the name they chose to call themselves doubles as a reference to a sex act. Because of this, much of the media has lampooned their protests, and the teabaggers feel their message is not getting through. -
This is Sarah Palin’s serious face
Hi, Mr. Vice President. Hi, Mr. Speaker. Hi, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives. And, Hi, America!
Yesterday, December the 7th, was a pretty crappy day, excuse my language. For those of you that don’t remember, those Japanese people bombed one of our patriotic military bases and attacked a lot of people who are fighting for our freedoms.
Before that, we liked Japan. They helped us with another vantage point of Russia.
But, get a load of this, America! After those fighter planes bombed our brave, patriotic men and women protecting our freedoms, a politician from Japan met with our Receptionist of State and gave us a message. They didn’t say anything about the attack! Can you believe it? -
Karl does his imitation of a rooster of a birth defect
In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage. Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently. Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the “Outrage Czar”, a newly created position within Murdoch’s companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.
Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task. However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge. “For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected,” Murdoch says. “We had groups of interns working around the clock on our ‘consistency squad.’ Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea. Forget it! We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama. We fired the ‘consistency squad’ then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts.”
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Karl Rove follows Beck’s lead
BREAKING:
President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news. The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck’s ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers. This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man. Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals. Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.When the President decided to host the “Beer Summit” at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, “just a few guys having a beer and talking.” But the responsible media knew the truth. This was big. Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.
The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further. “It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama,” said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee. -
The Qu’ran is in here, I just know it!
While Barack Obama’s speech to America’s children has been written about in newspapers and discusses on news commentary shows, a Morristown man has been trying to raise awareness of an issue he feels is even more important.
“I’m not one of those crazy folk who thinks that Barack Obama is going to come out and openly attempt to indoctrinate our children with his Muslim socialist fascist views,” said Kyle Newton, a parent. “I think that he, and people like him, are going to be much more subtle.”
Newton believes he has figured it out, thanks to a tip from a friend, who was taking a world religion course at a local community college.
“He was telling me all about the different contributions that the arabs have made to our culture,” Newton said. “He’s a nice guy, so I figured I’d humor him and pretend to be interested. I could hardly hide my shock when he told me that the arabs invented algebra. I thought I had to turn to a reliable source before I believed that nonsense.” -
He’s tweeting out of frame.
Ted Kennedy was laid to rest today, and President Barack Obama provided a stirring eulogy, which focused on one of the late Senator’s dying wishes for America. Obama spoke at length of Kennedy’s desire that everyone, both rich and poor, from both upper and lower classes, of all races, had access to quality social networking sites.
“To paraphrase his brother Jack,” Obama said, “Ask not what Facebook can do for you; ask what you can do for Facebook. You say the quizzes are boring? What are you doing to make them better?”
Kennedy believed that all Americans had an inherent right to share the minutiae of their lives with the world. He pointed to programs in other countries that provided Facebook accounts and internet access to all their citizens, something lacking in the United States.
When people who say they don’t need a Facebook account have an extreme emotional event or ordeal in their lives that they need to share with friends online, they are often too emotionally frazzled to set up an account, figure out how the site works, find friends and connect with them. Someone has to help out, creating a sort of “emergency room” environment which isn’t good for anyone. -
Would you have this man killed by amateurs?
Information has recently surfaced linking lobbying groups such as Freedom Works to sites that promote “grassroots” support for protestors seeking to “break up” town hall meetings about health care reform. Media outlets in the left, such as The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, have been investigating connections between these seemingly spontaneous supports of anger and lobbying firms which appear to be funding them. Today, there was a new and surprising development in the investigation. Sources indictate that a lobbying firm, Totally Transparent and Honest Citizens for Change, has been producing radio and television advertisements describing health care reform as “a secret plot to kill old people,” as Maddow often desribes such scare tactics.
Political advertisements are often funded by special interest groups, so the discovery that TTHCC is producing these advertisements is not shocking, or even surprising. However, it is the special interest group that hired the firm that is the story. The firm was hired by the small yet powerful Serial Killers of the Elderly lobby.
“For months, we didn’t have an opinion on health care,” said a member who did not want to be identified. “We’re kind of a single interest voting block. Anything that doesn’t infringe upon our ability to kill people over the age of 65 is all right by us.” -
Just sayin’
Many in the online community are familiar with the practice of using “alts,” or an additional profile that the user logs in as to say things that they wouldn’t want coming from their primary profile. Additionally, people use alts to “troll” discussion forums or comment sections on websites, which is a practice in which the user makes a series of inflammatory statements meant only to provoke a strong reaction from the website’s other users.
In the last few years, unknown to most, these two trends have been making the transition from the internet to the real world. While obviously false public personas like Stephen Colbert, Sasha Baron Cohen’s “Borat,” and Ann Coulter have inundated the airwaves, they never truly crossed over into the political world. Until Decision 2008.
“Looking back on it, how can you not conclude that the 2008 Presidential campaign was just a series of practical jokes?” says celebrtiy internet trend consultant Rick the Analyst. The Democrats nominated a black guy, whose middle name is Hussein. I mean, come on!”
The aftermath of the Presidency of George W. Bush created a perfect environment for people wishing to enter the political realm for fun and practical jokes. The economy was collapsing, the nation was in the middle of two wars which were beginning to look unwinnable and unendable, and real politicians didn’t want to sully their reputation by being associated with the fallout. -
In general, I want to stay away from politics on this blog, at least for the time being. Talking about politics ostracizes people who don’t agree with you, and it’s not a smart idea to alienate potential readers. However, my interest in language takes me into the realm of politics today, although I will attempt to treat the issue objectively.
In yesterday’s Congressional hearing on the confirmation of Judge Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions said this: “Empathy for one party is always prejudice against another.” This quote is absolutely ludicrous.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, empathy is defined as:
1: the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner ; also : the capacity for this.
Notice that there is no mention of bias in either of the definitions. As a future educator, it disgusts me to see empathy, which I feel is vital to fully understanding any subject, used in a negative connotation. Empathy is being able to see another point of view, it has nothing to do with being biased towards that point of view. -
Help!
Written by Jake Novak
(San Francisco, CA) - The California State Supreme Court’s decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O’Donnell.“Oh screw the fight for gay rights, if it could get me away from that loud-mouthed fat bitch, I’d vote for Jerry Falwell” said a jubilant Carpenter outside the New York City townhouse she shared with O’Donnell and their four adopted children. “I mean when we first met, I I thought she was kind of cute in a butch sort of way, and she bought me everything I ever wanted, but there’s butch and then there’s BUTCH. I’m a lesbian, but if I wanted to sleep with a Mack Truck, I would have stuck with my first boyfriend from 8th grade,” she added.
Friends of the couple say Carpenter had been trying to get away from O’Donnell for years, but the failed talk show host and movie actress kept dragging her across the world on gay cruises and trips to political rallies.
“The time just never seemed right,” said one friend who wanted her name kept secret to avoid being attacked, or eaten, by O’Donnell. “I mean when you’re at some rally talking about how lesbians deserve marriage rights, it’s pretty hard to just walk out,” she added.
The scenario must seem eerily familiar to O’Donnell, who also saw her magazine publisher walk out on her shortly after she publicly announced she was gay. O’Donnell won a lawsuit in connection with that incident, but legal experts think Carpenter will do better if she’s ever forced into court.
“I think any jury would immediately side with Carpenter in any trial,” said CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, “once 12 decent Americans see what Carpenter had to live and SLEEP with for six years… well, there won’t be enough money in the U.S. Treasury to cover the kind of settlement she’d get,” he added. “I suggest O’Donnell just give Carpenter half her cash or else risk having the whole world hear about what her underwear smells like after sitting through three acts of ‘Phantom of the Opera.’
