Jimmy Wellington

With rare exception (I despise Rush Limbaugh as a person, but some of the parody songs he plays on his show are hilarious), “Conservative comedy” just isn’t funny. I think I’ve figured out why, so here goes.

Ultimately, comedy is based in truth. Comedians see the truth in a way that “normal” people don’t. Comedy reveals the underlying truth to people, helping them to accept it by making it funny. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, if you will. Carlin, Hicks, Louis CK, these people expose the dark underbelly of society in a way that is uncomfortable, which is why they need to make it funny. They’re not lecturing us, they’re letting us in on the secret, making the implicit explicit.

Today’s conservative movement is deluded. By conservative movement, I mean the modern GOP, not individual conservatives, many of whom disagree with today’s GOP. Look at the number of bald-faced lies made in RNC convention speeches. Several cases can be made for showing Obama the door (although I think they are all invalid if the replacement is the current GOP). If actual arguments exist for their side, why does the GOP continue to invent arguments?

I have theories, but I’ll save them for another time.

The reason “conservative comedy” doesn’t work is because it’s not based on the truth. Hurr Hurr Teleprompter! Any reasonably intelligent person who thinks about a teleprompter joke for a moment sees the lie. Would someone who relies on a teleprompter do well at a debate? Oh, he wouldn’t? Then how come Obama outperformed McCain at the debates? Oh…it’s bullshit, isn’t it?

So, if you want to know why conservative comedy doesn’t work, remember that last week, a national party built a convention on an out-of-context statement that anyone with half a brain can see through. A convention built on lies? Congratulations, Republicans. You DID build that.

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on Hurricane Irene.

Shortly after this photo was taken, Eric Cantor flung feces on the wall and walked out on his hands.

After over a week in which the debt ceiling crisis was the top news story nationwide, Congress is tired of the attention.

“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.

Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.

“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.

Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.

Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.

“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.

Is that just a cigar or are you trying to tell us something?

Since the dawn of language, people have used metaphors to describe concepts that are hard to understand. In our modern political climate, those on the right have eschewed the soaring oratory of their predecessors for more vulgar sexual terminology. Take, for instance, the following quotes. (Ed. Note, all four are actual quotes).

“People in New York, you’re being raped by your government — raped.” – Glenn Beck, November 19^th.

“We are — excuse this analogy, but I feel like it’s true — we’re the young girl saying “No, no, help me,” and the government is Roman Polanski.” – Glenn Beck, November 16^th.

“Obama ordered his “pay czar” to “rape” bailed out executives.” – Rush Limbaugh, October 22.

“Get ready to get gang-raped again, folks.” – Rush Limbaugh, June 24^th.

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