Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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If Sarah Palin writes another book, the title should be “As I Say, Lying.Jimmy Wellington
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Christian youths love to not masturbate to this picture
Sixteen-year-old Akron teenager Brian Jacobsen used to have a problem. When he would see a scantily-clad attractive and fit woman, he would have a physical reaction below the belt. At first he thought this was perfectly natural, like all his peers told him. His so-called “friends,” however, were leading him down the path to eternal damnation, Jacobsen has since learned.
“They were telling me it was ok to release this tension myself,” says Jacobsen.” Fortunately, my friend turned me on to Christine’s videos, and I found out that this was completely unnatural and could even threaten my soul.”
The “Christine” to which Jacobsen refers is Christine O’Donnell, tea party darling and newest member of the Republican Party’s “I Won’t Appear on Any Shows Unless Their Name Starts With an ‘H’ and Ends in an ‘annity’” Club.
Old television clips of O’Donnell show her giving opinions that most of the country rejects, but some Evangelical Christians embrace, for example, saying that masturbating is immoral. When asked about old videos that are now being used to show her extreme views, O’Donnell said the videos represent the experimentation typical of young people. -
They’re always after me lucky bombs!
As more and more Americans hear about the plans to build a mosque on the hallowed, sanctified ground where the World Trade Center towers once stood, many become outraged and want to do something to stop it.
Every day since conservative commentators have made this story among the most talked about nationwide, throngs of protesters have descended upon lower Manhattan, many carrying signs, most surprisingly grammatically correct, that question the wisdom of building an Islamic place of worship so close to the site of the worst terrorist attack in American history. The number of protesters who arrive at the site is much smaller than the number who intend on protesting, according to opponents of the building.
You see, many of these patriots are traveling to “Ground Zero” and cannot locate the proposed building site.
“It’s easy to find Ground Zero, but we weren’t sure on what side of Ground Zero this travesty is being planned,” said Russell Garrison, factory worker and Glenn Beck viewer, who journeyed from Ohio to protest the construction. “We heard that they already had a giant Batman-like light that projected a giant star and crescent into the night sky, but we couldn’t see anything like that.”
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It’s just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?
Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”
This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke theMichelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign. -
But she’s so pretty!
Editor’s Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.
When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska’s top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network’s stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.However, Palin’s decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.
Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers’ pieces on her Facebook page.
Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy. -
3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence.
Yes, I am going back to events that happened before 2009, but it is necessary to point out the depth of delusion in her avid supporters. The Katie Couric interview was a turning point in the way non-hardcore Republican voters viewed her. After her poor performance, in which she seemed unable to answer simple questions such as, “what papers do you read?” Palin’s supporters claimed that Couric had cleverly manipulated the interview to make Palin look bad. These same people were complaining about Couric’s competency to be a network news anchor when she took over the CBS Evening News. So, suddenly, she goes from incompetent journalist to devious mastermind, who single-handedly thwarted Palin from answering simple questions. -
Here I come!
Sarah Palin’s new memoir “Going Rogue: An American Life” has been flying off the bookshelves and into warehouses where conservative magazines are storing them for use as promotions to sell subscriptions. Hate her, love her, or hate her, she is everywhere. Newsweek even has her on their cover, using a photo Palin posed for by Runner’s World magazine, in which the former Alaskan governor showed that the American flag, in addition to being a symbol of freedom that should never be desecrated, also makes a lovely slip cover for a chair.
Whenever Palin is brought from the media backburner to the forefront, fact checkers are close behind. Many have charged, and shown compelling evidence, that she has a casual relation with the truth, which provides the best reason yet to take her seriously as an actual politician.
Her new book contains explanation of events which run completely counter to the narrative or narratives she gave during the Presidential campaign.
For example, during the campaign, Palin touted America’s alliance with Eastasia in our war against Eurasia. In the book, Palin writes, “God bless those Eurasians, we’ve always been at war with Eastasia, yet they keep plugging along!”
After coming so close to becoming America’s Vice President, Palin is hinting that she is planning on running for President in 2010, although the next presidential election isn’t until 2012.
Palin isn’t wavering. “Ya know, people have been telling me all my life that I can’t do something. Now they’re saying, Sarah, you can’t run for President in 2010, it’s impossible. I think that if I just keep my nose to that powder keg and wait for God to open that door, I’ll be able to bust on through when it does.” -
This is Sarah Palin’s serious face
Hi, Mr. Vice President. Hi, Mr. Speaker. Hi, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives. And, Hi, America!
Yesterday, December the 7th, was a pretty crappy day, excuse my language. For those of you that don’t remember, those Japanese people bombed one of our patriotic military bases and attacked a lot of people who are fighting for our freedoms.
Before that, we liked Japan. They helped us with another vantage point of Russia.
But, get a load of this, America! After those fighter planes bombed our brave, patriotic men and women protecting our freedoms, a politician from Japan met with our Receptionist of State and gave us a message. They didn’t say anything about the attack! Can you believe it? -
After Gov. Palin’s rambling, incoherent resignation speech, I began to wonder what it would have been like if she had given famous speeches throughout history. Here’s Part One: Gettysburg.
Hi Gettysburg. About eighty some odd years ago in the past, those brave forefathers of ours gave a precious gift to US. They gave (to us!) this amazing country of ours that we live and reside in, founded in God’s LIBERTY!! And also, it’s dedicated to the fact that all of us are created by God, who is so amazing, to be the same.
Right now, even as I stand here before you to speak, this great country of ours is wrapped up in a battle for Real Americans against people led by those chattering class intellectual elites who sit in their ivory towers and plan to try to destroy me.
Right here on this war zone, I stand READY to take those people on! I do this in the memory of our brave soldiers who fight and die to protect our freedoms, like the First Amendment, that guarantees me the ability to speak what I believe in my heart to be true without those in the press conducting a witch hunt of me and my financial transactions. And here at this site where brave men like my son Track fought and died for those hard-fought liberties that I and my children, who are here with me: Bristol, Willow, and Piper – say “Hi” kids!, enjoy so much since they live in this great country of ours.
