Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
-
A Glock handgun lies on a hardwood floor, its black matte finish speckled with crimson. A somber crime scene investigator carefully picks it up and places it into a plastic bag marked “EVIDENCE.” The soldier to whom the gun belonged is placed into his own bag, the ragged sound of the zipper being pulled up bringing a harsh sense of finality to the room, where in the corner his girlfriend sits, in too much shock to cry.
The soldier, who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, is taken away by the coroner. But what happens to the gun? It was an unwilling participant in this suburban tragedy, like the seventeenth pill in a bottle or a length of rope.
If Congress has its way, this gun will not remain homeless, its new plastic home lining a shelf in some evidence warehouse. It will certainly not face the gun death penalty, destruction after a family member of the deceased does not want to give it a good home.
No, this gun will be able to find a second life, protecting its new owner.
“When a gun is created, we believe that it deserves protection from the moment that gun’s manufacturing process begins,” said bill co-sponsor Steve King (R-IA). “From the moment the material hits the mold, that is a life, afforded all due protections under the law.”
Another of the bill’s co-sponsors thinks the law is a natural extension of Biblical principles.
“In the Bible, Jesus said to turn the other cheek,” said Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). “He also said that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If we retaliate against these innocent guns, who did nothing but work the way they were created, we are just as guilty of destruction as the person who pulled the trigger.” -
That’s gonna leave a mark
As Friday, April 1st progresses, an increasingly agitated and alarmed Obama administration is frantically trying to convince the public that an asteroid is heading towards Earth, and people need to act quickly to avoid the annihilation of the human race.
The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet’s surface.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It’s the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens.”
Ross’s excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool’s Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one’s friends and family into believing lies.
Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.
“I waited until Jim had told me about the asteroid,” said Nate Wilson, Ross’s immediate supervisor. “Then, I waited ten seconds after screaming and cursing in surprise. When he didn’t say ‘April Fools!’ I began to think he might be serious.”
Once the President learned of the potential impact, he acted quickly to warn Congress. -
He’s tweeting out of frame.
Ted Kennedy was laid to rest today, and President Barack Obama provided a stirring eulogy, which focused on one of the late Senator’s dying wishes for America. Obama spoke at length of Kennedy’s desire that everyone, both rich and poor, from both upper and lower classes, of all races, had access to quality social networking sites.
“To paraphrase his brother Jack,” Obama said, “Ask not what Facebook can do for you; ask what you can do for Facebook. You say the quizzes are boring? What are you doing to make them better?”
Kennedy believed that all Americans had an inherent right to share the minutiae of their lives with the world. He pointed to programs in other countries that provided Facebook accounts and internet access to all their citizens, something lacking in the United States.
When people who say they don’t need a Facebook account have an extreme emotional event or ordeal in their lives that they need to share with friends online, they are often too emotionally frazzled to set up an account, figure out how the site works, find friends and connect with them. Someone has to help out, creating a sort of “emergency room” environment which isn’t good for anyone.
