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Keith Randell, a 23 year old temp worker, allegedly fooled his girlfriend into thinking that the movie they were seeing was the Vin Diesel action movie “XXX”. Reports indicate that the movie he brought her to instead was the slightly less popular, “Midgets and Japanese Schoolgirls 14.”

Patricia tells us what happened: “Keith said that he wanted to go see the new Vin Diesel movie. I normally prefer romantic comedies, but I figured that I might be able to show him that I’ll adapt for him. I thought that I could use the episode as a bargaining tool to maybe get him to go down on me once in a while. Just a little tongue action every now and then is all I wanted. Imagine my surprise when the movie started and I see these 3 female midgets going at each other with strap-ons and stuff. It did turn me on just a bit, but don’t tell Keith, OK?”

Keith thinks that Patricia is overreacting by refusing any attempt at sex, refusing to hear his side of the story, and generally “being a humorless bitch.”

Sex expert Dr. Wat Chu Fuk agreed to provide his opinion on the matter. “Keith wanted his girlfriend to join him in watching adult entertainment. This in and of itself is not the problem, but the way he went about it is all wrong. He should have had a frank discussion with Patricia, telling her how he thinks that viewing erotic movies can help to develop their sexual relationship. Also, what the fuck was he thinking? Midgets? He should have picked something more female friendly. Maybe the Pam and Tommy Lee video. I can’t think of any female that wouldn’t like that.”

Keith still can’t believe that his girlfriend fell for a ruse that he thought “had no chance of working”. He explains, “At first I thought that she’d see right through it. I didn’t think that she’d fall for it, but I must admit that it was pretty damn funny. It’s almost worth the entire no sex thing, if she keeps holding out, I got money. Hookers don’t cost that much.”

Patricia is secretly searching for a new boyfriend without Keith’s knowledge, because she wants to “still live there and stuff. Do you really think I want to move back in with my parents?”

Last night Bill Jenkis and his girlfriend had sex. That in itself wouldn’t be newsworthy, however the act lasted for almost 45 seconds, shattering his former endurance record by 20 seconds. His girlfriend Sally couldn’t believe what happened: “It was really unusual, I actually had this warm sensation that felt really good. At first I thought something was wrong, cause that had never happened before, but then I realized that it was what all my girlfriends were telling me about. Maybe this sex thing has something to it after all.”

Afterwards Bill was bragging to all his friends about his accomplishment. Best friend Luke agreed to talk to us about the event. “So he comes walking into my room with this huge smile on his face, and he tells me that he thinks he gave Sally an orgasm. I was like ‘Dude, once you can make it last longer than one commercial break, then come talk to me.’ He’s been walking around like he’s the shit now, I don’t have the heart to tell him that his stamina is really pathetic.”

Bill actually called us and leaked the story, forced us to interview him, and blabbed all about his conquest. “Man, it was awesome! I knew that it was going to be a special night when I didn’t feel like I was going to shoot before I even got it out of my pants. People make fun of me for that one time I experienced premature ejaculation, but that’s totally normal. It was in that movie with the kid that banged the pie, remember? And he’s a totally huge movie star, so if it can happen to him, why should I be ashamed that it happened to me?”

According to sources, the longevity of the intercourse last night was due to a series of actions taken by Sally in the vain hopes of experiencing the same pleasure that Bill apparently accomplished each time they had bumped uglies in the past. “I made him wear two condoms so he wouldn’t be so sensitive. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I told him that I just wanted to be extra careful, so he doesn’t knock me up. That’s just what I need to bring into this world, right? Another small dicked kid that can’t hold his own for over a minute.” She also left the television on, tuned to SportsCenter, so Bill could concentrate on something else. In the future, she plans to lengthen the process by spraying Chloroseptic on his penis, to further dull the sensation.

Scientists at the Federal Department of Wasting Taxpayer Money released the findings of a year long, billion dollar study on human pregnancy. According to the results of the study, if a human being wants to get pregnant, good old fashioned sexual intercourse is the way to do it. The chance of becoming pregnant is exponentially higher if the person wishing to become pregnant is a female, according to the study.

Lead scientist Dr. Jarin Killikippi is excited about the findings: “This study represents a bold step forward in scientific research, namely that we can get a grant for just about anything! Who knows how much more money we can waste on pointless research?”

The Senate Oversight Committee is being asked to investigate the fund allocation for the pregnancy study. The scientists insist that it’s just a coincidence that they all recently bought large beach houses and sports cars. “That is insulting to us as professionals, and as human beings,” says Killikippi. “We double checked our financial numbers to make sure that the required 2% of the budget allocated went to the research itself.”

The complete findings of the study can be viewed at the departments website, www.fdwtm.gov, for a fee of $25 per minute of viewing time. According to the study, throughout history 99.96 percent of all human pregnancies have occurred in females who have had sexual intercourse in the last year. .003999999% of pregnancies occurred by the recent method of in vitro fertilization with .0000000000000000000000000001% of pregnancies coming by immaculate conception of the Holy Spirit. The only case of male pregnancy in humans was reported by an Austrain bodybuilder.

The team of scientists are busy deciding what their next study is going to be. Early ideas are; “Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?”, “Dogs: Man’s Best Friend?”, or “Understanding Women.” However, odds are the third study will not be conducted, as the budget would reportedly be around $500B, with a timetable of several decades, and the chance that an answer may never be reached.