Jimmy Wellington

Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting.

Marilyn Davenport, an Orange County Republican Party official, thought it would be a good idea to send a funny email to several of her friends. The email featured a picture of three monkeys posed as if to take a family picture. President Obama’s face is superimposed on the smallest monkey’s face, leading many to call the email racist, or at the very least the most ill-advised political email sent since President Clinton clicked send on the “Re:Cigar afficianado” email. President Obama has finally had enough and released a statement saying that the poor picture quality is deeply offensive.

“C’mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”

Some have leapt to Davenport’s defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.

Davenport’s email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.

Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.

“I don’t know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn’t even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.”

Christian youths love to not masturbate to this picture

Sixteen-year-old Akron teenager Brian Jacobsen used to have a problem. When he would see a scantily-clad attractive and fit woman, he would have a physical reaction below the belt. At first he thought this was perfectly natural, like all his peers told him. His so-called “friends,” however, were leading him down the path to eternal damnation, Jacobsen has since learned.

“They were telling me it was ok to release this tension myself,” says Jacobsen.” Fortunately, my friend turned me on to Christine’s videos, and I found out that this was completely unnatural and could even threaten my soul.”

The “Christine” to which Jacobsen refers is Christine O’Donnell, tea party darling and newest member of the Republican Party’s “I Won’t Appear on Any Shows Unless Their Name Starts With an ‘H’ and Ends in an ‘annity’” Club.

Old television clips of O’Donnell show her giving opinions that most of the country rejects, but some Evangelical Christians embrace, for example, saying that masturbating is immoral. When asked about old videos that are now being used to show her extreme views, O’Donnell said the videos represent the experimentation typical of young people.

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5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in thebeginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.

Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let’s take a look at the abbreviated timeline:

Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: “Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?”

Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: “Go get those WMDs!” later amended to “Saddam is a bad man” later amended to “You’ll take our democracy if you know what’s good for you!”

Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.

Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: “Oh, hell no!”

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