jimmywellington.com

Written by Brian K. White

After an historic face to face sit down, Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat agreed on demands for peace terms. “It was great,” said Arafat in his broken and nearly unintelligible English. “It turns (out) we both (want the) same (thing).” Ariel Sharon’s account verifies the claim “We both want to end the bloodshed and have agreed to do so as long as the other withdraws his people into the sea and never returns. This is what we both want!” Allegedly, top peace advocates slipped no less than three hits of ecstasy in to the food and drink of Mr. Arafat, who was quite amiable and offered hugs to the reporters.

“Our people are not so different,” reported Sharon while receiving a now-world famous Arafat rub down. “We both wear clothes and use weapons, only theirs are towels and slingshots while ours are Armani and tactical strike helicopters. How did we ever miss that we are brothers? Yes, perhaps brothers who have stolen each others wives and tried to kill one another, but my sweaty friend with the large pupils here has finally understood our intentions.”

“I believe” offered Sharon “that the end to this conflict will be prompt. You see, the Palestinians have shown us that ours is a religion of falsehood and mockery and that when we die our souls will be extinguished. If they die they MAY have life everlasting, certainly if they die for the cause. I think by helping them die for their cause we can best insure that all Palestinians may live for eternity in a place where we can not and will not bomb them.” After a moments consideration Sharon added “Nor roll through their homes with tanks. It’s been fun, no mistake, but it must end.” Pausing again he added “And for the last time, no, we didn’t kill Jesus.”

Following the proposed 10 week genocide mission affectionately called “Operation Martyr Maker” the area formerly inhabited by Palestinians will be transformed into a pastoral garden-like park to commemorate the perhaps dozen Israeli lives lost in the operation. At the conclusion of the press conference, Mr. Arafat seemed confused, asking “Where’s the party going?”

Local Al-Quaida officials announced on Tuesday that they are declaring war on the United States’ War on Terrorism. This news comes in response to the American attacks geared on “eradicating terrorism as we know it.” Spokesperson Muhammed Il-Jihad agreed to speak with us regarding the new declaration of war. “Those American infidels will pay for what they have done to our people. All we were trying to do was get some recognition for our movement. It was not our intention to kill innocent women and children. Our intelligence indicated that the American military was using the World Trade Center buildings as a covert base for operations. All praise be to Allah!” He then blew himself up by activating the large bomb strapped to his chest.

Al-Quaida leadership is claiming “unprovoked attacks on our homeland” to be the impetus behind their declaration of war. Their new spokesman, who replaced Il-Jihad, the former spokesperson who blew himself up in the last paragraph, states: “We do not understand what we have done to you people that would cause you to attack us in this manner. Just yesterday, one of your bombs killed 20 of our soldiers! 20 Soldiers! That is equal to a third of our troops!” Fortunately our replacement reporter was able to duck behind a table before the new spokesperson shouted “All praise be to Allah!” and blew himself up.

The United States government has tried unsuccessfully to determine the whereabouts of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, who is believed to be responsible for the Sep. 11 attacks. According to a government spokesperson, “We know that Osama Bin Laden has been killed. There is no possible way that he could be alive. Say, why are you asking? Did you see him somewhere? Cause he’s dead. Yep, he sure is.”

Despite the assertion that he is in fact dead, Bin Laden sightings have been plentiful. NYU student Brad Miller claims that he saw Bin Laden driving a cab in midtown Manhattan. Others swear that they’ve seen him working in a local 7-11.

Inside sources tell us that the terrorists are plotting new attacks on American soil and have found many different ways to attack the United States simply by watching CNN, or as the terrorists call it: “The Intel Channel”. Hamas operative Jasir Alabatta tells us more. “The other day CNN did a story on how security needed to be tightened at reservoirs, because if we were able to drop in a tiny amount of poison to the water supply, we could kill hundreds of thousands of American pigs. We were actually planning on something on a smaller scale, but how can we pass up that opportunity?”