Jimmy Wellington
The creator of The Fake news, comedy writer, gadfly. Everything here is original content (except for a few reblogs here and there)
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I didn’t know there were fags in Japan
As the estimated deaths for the Japanese tsunami continue to climb and fears of nuclear meltdown escalate, many are looking to the sky and asking, “Why God? Why did you do this?” Apparently, God hates Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson.
“I had received intelligence that suggested that Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were meeting in Japan to discuss combining forces,” said God. “They decided that they could more effectively hate people different from them if they worked together. Frankly, I got sick and tired of always being blamed for everything bad that happens on Earth.”
God said that he got the idea of a “decapitation strike” in the last decade.
“Hey, occasionally man has a really great idea,” God said with a shrug. “Just like the dyslexics say: You can teach an old God new tricks.”
Fred Phelps leads the widely maligned Westboro Baptist Church, which is a church in the same way Old Navy is a nautical store. Whenever tragic deaths occurs, Fred Phelps and his “congregation” show up to protest outside. They carry signs with Christian slogans like “God Hates Fags.”
“Do I hate fags? Not at all, and I wish you would not use that word,” God said. “I’ll tell you who I do hate. Fred Phelps. I have half a mind to picket his funeral.” -
Is Petra Nemcova ok?
As Joel Chillner watched a Youtube video of an enormous wave of water inundating Japanese farmland, he vowed that he would do something to help. A minute later, he sat back in his chair, looking in satisfaction at his new Facebook status, in which he said the tsunami “totally sucks” and he “really really REALLY hopes those people are ok, or at least know how to surf.”
Chillner is like many Americans who see disasters unfolding around the world and feel helpless. What can he do from so far away?
Fortunately, the internet has made it much easier for people like Chillner to do something to help people in need, or at least feel like they have done something to help people in need. -
That’s gonna leave a mark!
According to a poll conducted by The Fake News, the tsunami disaster that was all over the news several weeks ago has been erased from the public’s mind. In its place are such important news items as Michael Jackson’s trial, the American Idol competition, and Paris Hilton’s cell phone getting hacked.
“Man, isn’t it crazy that all this bad stuff keeps happening to that wonderful Paris Hilton?”, said American housewife Christy Jennings. “First her home video gets stolen, now people are trying to get at her personal naked photos and phone numbers? If they don’t stop whoever’s responsible, soon the nude pictures and celebrity contacts I keep on my cell phone will be all over the internet!”
The latest installment of the televised talent competition “American Idol” is also a hot topic around America’s water coolers. Bookmakers have started collected bets on whether or not recently booted contestant Melinda Lira will go door to door with an assault rifle, executing teenagers who didn’t vote for her.
When we asked people on the street when the last time they thought about the tsunami, most looked puzzled. Here are a few of their responses: -
The attractive (and white) face of the tragedy
Written by Jake Novak
World reaction continues to pour in as relief efforts to help supermodel Petra Nemcova are increasing day by day. Meanwhile, officials say the fact that 200,000 non-supermodels were killed in the tsunami disaster is a tragedy too… but shouldn’t take anything away from the fact that a super-fine white chick isn’t feeling too well right now.
“There is so much we all want to do for Petra right now, because she is so hot and White and not one of the faceless, nameless little people who you usually see in this part of the world,” said Betsy Mitchell, fund development co-coordinator for the Red Cross.“And Petra’s being so sweet,” added Mitchell, “did you know that some of the food and candy she doesn’t finish is going right into the trash heap where the other survivors are scrounging for food? She’s such an angel even in her time of need!”
President George W. Bush snapped into action yesterday, naming his father and former President Bill Clinton to help the “Save Nemcova” effort.
“I knew my dad would be interested in helping Petra because she’s a rich White chick, and we Republicans need to improve our poll numbers with rich White chicks,” said a somber Bush at a news conference yesterday.
“And we all know why Bill was raring to go… good thing he hadn’t heard ol’ Petra had broken her pelvis before he volunteered, but from what I hear, a girl doesn’t need her pelvis to keep ol’ Bill “Lewinsky” Clinton happy, right Bill?”
The U.S. news media is also admirably focusing their coverage on a slightly-injured White supermodel, even when the temptation is to cover the hundreds of thousands of others who died and the millions of people still in danger.
